The Love and the loss.

This word is one I never thought I would have to say.. but now I live with saying the word often..

I lost my person, I lost my best friend, I lost the person I shared everyday life.. gone, in one single moment.

Christopher and I met in October 2018 and 3 months later we moved into our first home together, our tiny townhome that was connected to the side where my best friend lived so we had it made being so close to her and the kids. It was a giant family. We had Rylan, my 5 year old boy and Chris had his son, Cannon, who was also 5. The two boys quickly became brothers and friends and I loved our little family and what we were building. Christopher always struggled with feeling like enough for us, always felt like he was failing in some way and that if a tiny ray of light shined through the windows of our life something would take It away, almost immediately, and he would then think his life was determined to always be as difficult as whatever thing was getting in the way of the life we wanted. I have always been someone who has seen the brighter side to life, even in spite of hardship, take it I haven’t always had the best attitude about things or to people ( I am working on patience ) but I have always known that no matter what “I’ll be okay”. Christopher and I fell head over heels instantly for each other, we would sit in the back of my car and talk for hours just getting to know each other and it quickly turned into a deep love.

Christopher had personal struggles prior to us getting together and that’s the place I met him in. Right in the middle of a big life change for him. It was not easy and it had moments of true test, but I always knew that I loved him more than whatever struggle came our way, I loved him for who he really was, not what he thought his struggles defined him as. I saw him in a different light than he saw himself and that’s why we always fought so hard to keep going. I just wanted to be his biggest supporter. He was a beautiful human, he always did everything for everyone he loved. He was the kind of guy who would answer any phone call, any text, drop what he was doing to help a friend. He wore himself thin a lot of the time and I knew why he did some that. It was almost an escape from his own struggles and issues and he felt better helping others, which was never a bad thing. He just forgot to take care of himself too. I always tried to remind him that HE mattered to. He knew what I was saying. He was selfless in his TRUE self, not what evil told him he was. His mind got the best of him a lot of the time, I only wish he saw what I saw. His mind, the evil, the lies that evil told him, took him away forever.

October 16th came and went like a flash of light, but those first 2 days felt like eternity.. it was a hard week for him. He had given up on life and I could see it, I could feel it. He pushed me away, many times. I knew why. It was a beautiful Friday, we had our brand new puppy and she adored him and he tried to disconnect with her for obvious reasons. I was getting ready for work, I was upset for how he was pushing me away, I was angry and hurt and at a loss. I found one big letter he wrote to his family, his son, me… I reached out to 3 people that day. I called non emergency, I reached out to teen challenge to have one of the guys come check on him, I reached out to his friend. One person came to see him the day before, his best friend drove 2 1/2 hours to check on him and to just drive home that very night. Thursday night. Friday came… I remember leaving to work in a hurry, upset and angry that he had pushed me away all week, turned everyone away, he told me he would leave if I had one more person call to talk to him and at the time I did not want to risk him leaving and not being able to find him again. So I left it alone but I was upset. I just wanted him to accept help. I just wanted him to know he was loved and ALL week I did. I kept sitting down next to him on the couch and I just kept repeating myself, ” I love you Christopher, I am here for you.” One day that week before work I wrote him a little love letter and brought him a drink because he knew most of the time the easiest way for me to get anything across was through my writing so I always wrote him letters.

He put my love letter next to his goodbye letter and I saw the two sitting on the coffee table when I walked in that Friday afternoon before I found him.

I came home and the love of my life was just gone. I walked in and I screamed as loud as I could, for a few moments I could not cry, I just screamed and then the tears flowed. It wasn’t a normal cry, it was a normal scream. I had let out sounds that no human should ever let out of their bodies.. I was in shock and I was in agony.. My best friend came home RIGHT as I walked in and found him. She is forever connected to this tragedy with me in the most personal way and I am forever grateful that God had her there with me through something like that. A few hours passed and I got up to use the bathroom and I felt like someone had beat me up, I felt so weak and tired and sore to the touch. I had so many people hugging me, holding me, telling me to drink water, to sit up, to eat something, to talk. All I could do for weeks was cry, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t be In my own home anymore, I couldn’t be alone even to shower, I couldn’t be alone in any way. I truly felt like that was it. I was broken, I knew God would take care of me but in some moments the pain was SO deep and SO painful I felt like I could’ve easily been taken away in my own pain. I could’ve let that take me away. I didn’t just cry, I yelled out in agony, in desperation, begging for answers I would never get, begging for Christopher to send me a sign of some kind, begging for God to tell me WHY, WHY, WHY? Many times, many places, many drives I just sobbed and sobbed.

I started to write a week after he left this earth, I turned my pain into words and in a way it helped the healing process move along, I found out that my writing would save me. Like I have said, I am a writer, no matter what it is, in whatever way, I can write. I quickly found my why in writing once again. My need to write, what it did for me, what I had to share. I have always been able to share a little more than most people. I thought, why not? This may not be ideal, some people might not understand why I chose to write about this but, in my mind I feel like there isn’t enough out there being shared, talked about, viewed, commented on, on suicide and whatever surrounds it. Loss. Suicide. Mental health. I quickly found out just how huge it really is, how there is probably more people than you would like to think that have considered such a thing. It breaks my heart into a million pieces that some people feel so unworthy and useless that they think that is a better option. We are NOT better off without you. SOMEONE loves you. YOU matter. YOU are adored and your life holds meaning. Your mental health is so freaking important.

I know that was longer than I anticipated, a little off track in some areas but my idea for this first post was to share my initial direction because of what I have experienced. I have had SO many people reach out to me personally to say thanks for what and how I have shared through the darkest part of my life. How I have turned something so devastating and ugly into beautiful words and shining a brighter light on Chris’s life because that man deserves to be remembered for who he really was and the man I loved endlessly. He was way more than his struggles and his addictions. I hope me being vulnerable and so open leads you guys to not be just that. A little more open and a little more vulnerable.

There is a time to be private and there is a time to be open. I KNOW this is what I’m supposed to be doing, what I’m supposed to be sharing because I know its reaching someone. If that is you, let me know. I would love to connect, talk, pray for you, love on you, share with you, listen to you.

I am here, not just to post and write but to be the extended heart you might need.

National suicide hotline number 800-273-8255 HELP IS AVAILABLE!

3 thoughts on “The Love and the loss.

  1. First off you are so freaking strong!!! Can’t imagine this type of loss and heart break!

    Secondly, I can unfortunately relate to Chris’ struggle and mindset more than many can. I have struggled with depression for over a decade. This past year and a half has been extremely rough. I find myself fighting for my life, almost in a literal sense. Ironically I work night shift as a behavioral health tech. My job is to stay up night all night and keep the patients safe so they don’t take their life in the middle of the night. I walk around the hallways at night to keep them safe, yet I think my life is most risk. I scream and the echo off the walls of my mind are deafening! Yet, nobody can hear me. Nobody notices. Only the slight teary eyes threatens to expose my grief.

    It’s hard to explain to others. I can relate to Chris by trying to “distract” by helping others and by always making yourself available. I try and live vicariously through others cause my own life is too much of a struggle. I don’t really have dreams. I can’t fathom what it would be like to be around long enough to accomplish them.

    Keep writing. Keep sharing your story. I found your blog in the middle of my struggle. I don’t want to take my life, yet the struggle is intense. Thanks for your openness!


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