It has taken me a very very long time to understand who I am, what makes me tick, what lights a fire in my soul. I think I finally figured it out but in a way.. have I really figured it out? Probably not fully, I think I will spend the rest of my life constantly figuring myself out. As we grow we also change out thought process, how we handle anger and frustration, how we keep ourselves healthy or not, how we navigate those curve balls life throws us, how we are in relationships with friends, family, partners, children, co workers, strangers. Everything changes even when you don’t see it. A year, a few months. Things can really change and that time.. flies by so quickly.
For someone like myself, I have always struggled with feeling accepted, feeling comfortable enough in being who I was made to be by God. Was I pretty enough than the next girl? Was I interesting enough or is someone else more interesting than me always? Was I smart enough, funny enough? The list goes on. I struggled with self esteem and confidience and even still… it arises in moments. It will haunt me and creep up and try to destroy me. At least it used to. I have found new ways to help myself get through those moments and those days.
I know I tend to use MY story in losing my partner to relate to anything in life and here is why.
I spent a lot of that relationship trying to be more for someone that felt like less of the person he was. I tried to be the bandaid, I tried to heal him a lot of the time, I tried so hard to be everything he needed from me because he went through so much of feeling not good enough, not worthy enough, not ENOUGH. I lifted him up constantly.
If I look back I can recognize where I went wrong and it was not putting myself first enough.. I loved that man for all that he was. All his failures and mistakes, all his successes and triumphs. Our relationship was not easy, I lost a lot of trust and I had this conversation of trust and what it did to me, a few nights ago with someone. I said all the things out loud that had created the person I now see in my past. She lost herself completely, she was constantly worried about when the other shoe was going to drop, she said no to her friends a lot. She missed out on a lot because she was worried about her partner constantly. I was always on edge.
I will NEVER shine a negative light on Chris’s life because he was not defined by his addiction and what that did to him. He did try everyday to become the person he always wanted to be. He fought really hard to create a new life for himself and to build a relationship with his son again. He fought every SINGLE day.
With that being said, I lost who I was. I was on edge, worried, stressed.. simply just lost, I cried a lot more than I ever should have. I just lost ME. I can look back now and it makes me so sad to say the words out loud of the things I used to do that LOOKED crazy, that LOOKED and FELT insane for me to even have to do. I did not recognize myself and neither did the people around me who loved me. The amount of times I heard.. ” I miss the bre who was always such a light, who said yes to enjoying time with the people she cared about most, who was present and positive”
I did not carry trust with me for a better part of our relationship and the people closest to me knew what that did to me. I could never fully enjoy myself out without him because I was constantly worried about something, where he was, what he was doing, what shoe was going to drop?
I now understand a few things about why I was the way I was.
I had zero confidence in MYSELF. I always thought there was someone better out there than me, I thought that if someone seemed more interesting than me then that would be it. This isn’t all based on my own lack of self esteem and or my confidence because there were mistakes made that caused me to lose my trust in the first place BUT everything just came full circle.
I had ZERO self esteem or ambition, no drive, not a lot of life to me, not a lot of positive energy was being put towards the things that mattered to me or the things I had a desire to accomplish. I felt like I was walking on egg shells, I lost myself and lost the drive I once ever had. I don’t even recognize that person anymore.
I am in a place now where I feel like my best self, my best version and that path for her is newly paved. None of this means that I don’t love my Chris. Because, that loss did a number on me. That pain, the grief, the loss, the memories we had.. It comes rushing back at a speed of light sometimes and it almost takes my breath away. I loved that man with everything I had, this is why I allowed my self to be lost in the first place. I CHOSE to not put myself first sometimes because I felt as if he needed more of me than myself needed of me.. if that makes sense.
I am now in a place where I am so unbelievably sure of who I am, what my purpose is, the heart I have, the joy I have in my soul, the love I have for life and the appreciation nonetheless. I APPRECIATE life. I APPRECIATE the little things that surround me. I try to take more notice of the simple things life has to offer. I try to smile through the awful feelings while still feeling them and allowing them to run the course it has to. I have always said, “happiness is temporary, it comes and goes and that is okay.” I stand by this, only I use the term joy now because JOY is constant. Joy is constantly in my heart. I am JOYFUL about the life I get to live. I AM JOYOUS in my role as a momma. I am JOYFUL that I am surrounded by so many people who love me and understand me as well as I am finally somewhat understanding ME. I am JOYFUL that I get to serve a God who is always faithful and forgiving. That his love never waivers. I am JOYFUL in the fact that I get to raise a little boy who will also have a love for the Lord and that I am the one who gets to watch him walk by faith, build his relationship with the Lord.
I am so joyful.
I understand now that how I choose to flow through my own life is up to me, solely up to this momma. If I want to get stuff done I have to create a space for myself that is organized and planned out to get those things done. I understand that the one thing that has gotten me through this entire process and the healing is my faith and my love for the church and helping serve in some way. I understand that there may be someone else who is more interesting, more lovable, more fun or funny, someone who is more attractive than myself. There is always someone who has something you don’t or carries themselves in a different way than you do. I am who I am, I am firm in who I carry myself to be. I know what is set upon my heart and I have been so excited to see the purpose God has set in front of me to pursue. I understand that I won’t always have a sunshiny day, that I will cry, I will scream, I will get angry, I will feel those emotions that most people really don’t want to feel but for me… it is designing a completely new Breanna. It is building and structuring me in the ways God has intended for them to do. He is not yet done with me. He is always working on my heart, filling me up, answering prayers, leaving me breadcrumbs and he is always, ALWAYS present.
I actually like to look back on who I once was, how I carried myself, what were my strengths and my weaknesses, what did I work on in order to be where I’m at now. I have somewhat of a painted clear picture on who I am NOW. It has helped me grow, flourish, blossom, create, love more, be extra kind, many things have bolstered my faith, my purpose is being brought to my attention in so many ways, in some ways it has shown up through other people. It is amazing what God places on your path. He has had me since day one, this story of mine is continuing to allow me the ability to speak in the ways I have, it has allowed me to finally understand myself in some ways, I know what needed to change in order for me to have healthier relationships in my life. I finally understand myself, in more ways than one but at the same time I am still growing and evolving, learning new things, acquiring new knowledge and with that allows me the ability to always find ways to be the best version of myself while still allowing myself the grace to not always have it right. The grace to get through the days where I just don’t know how to hold myself together, or why I am questioning myself. Those to me now… are all great ways to GROW and LEARN more about myself. This is a never ending road to always becoming the best version of yourself and recognizing that the things you make think are a downfall, are actually probably the very thing that is creating you to be who you are. Allow yourself the grace to figure things out slowly, gracefully and with all the kindness in the world. You deserve it. You are a masterpiece.
I am proud of this version but always excited to see me grow in many new ways.