This post is title-less, I just want to speak.

I decided to just speak. To just write. To just let it flow. No direction, no topic. Just me, my words and most of all my vulnerability.

I feel like I talk so much about how beneficial it is to be vulnerable, how important it is to be raw and real. When we go through the motions, when we have good days, we really cling to those, even just the good moments. Those will suffice for the time being right? When we experience a not so good day, a not so good moment.. while we remember how great it is to use that and grow from it, we ask ourselves how are we supposed to ride this out. It Is easier to remember that then it is to apply it. It is easier to also give input and advice to someone else when you aren’t going through it and someone else IS walking through it or whatever it is they are walking through. But, when you are going through that thing.. you end up being harder on yourself because you HAVE grown, You HAVE acquired a certain level of strength that you speak about or carry and its unsettling to have a wave you don’t really want to ride. But it would not be possible for me to even speak what I have had I not gone through what I have, I hope that makes sense. My experiences, my challenges, life hiccups and sudden earthquakes have given me a VOICE.

Last night (may 19th ) actually off and on this week I have had a really hard time getting out of my head. I have felt a little lonely ( I am the furthest thing from “alone” ) I have felt a level of insignificance and feeling irrelevant. Feeling a weight within in me that has felt way too heavy to carry and I was mad at myself for feeling it because I can tell it was bleeding into my relationships and my environment. In the past, I would have completely shut down, created issues that weren’t even there. I would create an argument based off how I am personally feeling. Even when the people that do care are only trying to help, so not only am I shutting down but I would be rude and insensitive, I would snap, get irritated easily and suddenly annoyed.. I would feel so crappy about MYSELF I would allow it to bleed into the most important relationships in my life. I would allow it to affect some moments that could’ve been beautiful.

Last night I had my first anxiety attack in a long time, I pulled over and I just sat in my car and I cried and cried. I can sit here and say ” I don’t know what came over me, I don’t know why that happened, why am I feeling this way?” I can sit there and try too make sense of something I probably can’t make sense of but it is EXPECTED.

I forget that in these short 7 months I have had to really learn to lean into uncomfortable spaces and emotions, I have had to re learn how to live. Really live. For weeks I felt so broken and lost that I felt like I was walking around in my own bubble of despair. My own bubble of anger, grief, sadness, confusion, healing, broken moments, feeling lost, loneliness. If I’m being honest, I felt like I lost my best friend. No matter what happened between me and Chris in our relationship, no matter WHAT we still held a bond, a friendship and we leaned on each other for everything. Sometimes the fact that he’s gone, the fact that October 16th and everything about that day had even happened.. I literally watched my old life vanish right before my eyes and I picked up the pieces to continue to keep living. I had to keep living for my sweet boy. I had to find a way to move FORWARD because moving on is never going to be a thing. I will never MOVE ON from what happened. I will only learn to move forward and let it be apart of my story and the way I walk through life.

The one place and space that has made me feel most at home and accepted within this walk is the church, the women in my studies, the friendships I have created inside church that now flow outside the church. God knew what was going to happen, he knew this was coming and what would then unfold afterwards. He knew and he was there to take care of me and love me, guide me, teach me, cherish me. He met me in my free fall, he never let me down, he was and is never far away. He is always here, right by side, waiting with all of his grace and abundant love.

I have walked through the fire, I have been the one to light the flame on my own life at times, I have most definitely burned myself. Ive been the one to bring destruction. I have walked through a valley. I have allowed my scars to define me not guide me and heal me. I was broken but God made me whole. I was lost and he found me. I was feeling alone and he continues to remind me that I am NEVER alone. I have seen breakthrough, I have felt breakthrough, even in the midst of my sadness or one of my anxiety attacks I still feel this cloud of weightless love. A love so light, so pure, so warm and reassuring. It feels perfect. It feels like God has his hand on me and he’s reminding me, “Let this out, I am right here.” God swooped me up. He takes this all in his hands, he is the defender of my heart. He is always near. He has the power, he is bigger than all the oceans, he shakes mountains and breaks down the walls, he is my mighty God. My savior. My father.

This last week has been hard, it is now Sunday and I have been off and on writing this all week. Today I woke up with my little man. I had to serve this morning so we got up, got ready, had some breakfast and headed off to church. I was expecting to serve in the babies per usual. We ended having no babies so I was let go of having to stay in the room. I headed upstairs to listen to the rest of the worship, hear the message and be present. As I am every Sunday. I sat alone, which has happened a lot more lately. Like I said this week has been really hard on me, emotionally and mentally and if I’m being honest.. physically as well. I did a lot of crying, a lot of asking myself why, what was happening and what in the world was causing me this? I still don’t have an answer and I never will. All I can say is that depression and grief come in waves. This week it felt like a dark cloud was washing over me, I felt numb some days, and other days I felt so much I had moments where I wish I could just turn it off. I speak so much about how strong I have been, how much I have healed and how far and few between my attacks have been since that day. I can tell you right now, the one word I can use to describe myself and the way it feels… I feel… broken. I feel like I’m stuck in this own bubble of mine and no one could possibly understand what it is I’m feeling and how could I even begin to describe the pains in the depths of my heart? How one day I can feel like I have all the love in the world and how I have so many people who are here and care and the next day…. the entire rest of my week I feel as if I am all alone. Mentally I make myself be that way. I feel trapped, I feel lost, I feel broken. The last week has made me realize that when the going gets tough with me, when it feels heavy and overwhelming I am not FULLY giving it to God. I am not FULLY leaning in on those who have clearly said they are here for me. I know they mean it and I know they are here. In this head of mine, I don’t fully let that sink in. I start to feel like it is a burden, I am too much, too broken, too “down”. I close off, I shut down and I allow myself to wallow in the sadness instead of truly letting those doors open and let the people who love me, love me. For the first time in I don’t know how long I took two naps this weekend on two different days. I was tired but it wasn’t a tired I have been doing stuff all day kind of tired. I was emotionally exhausted. I knew today that me taking a nap was not because I needed it, it was me trying to shut off my emotions and sleep off some of what I was feeling only to wake up and feel it even harder, even deeper. I know the difference between the depression in me wanting me to sleep and not deal with things and the other part of me that is actually just tired. I know this difference and this… this was the depressed part of me wanting to sleep and wallow. I felt that and I recognized it.

It is Sunday night. I usually either pick up Rylan or take him back to his dads. Tonight was a drop off and I was already feeling the way I was and then having to drop off the one person who makes me fight to stay strong was leaving me for the week. Some days I am ok, other days It really dwells within me that I only get my sweet boy every other week. He is a big reason why I am still standing here, fighting every single day to be as strong as I know I am. He is my reason and my why. I dropped him off and I headed to the gym, per usual. I got a little cardio in because sometimes to distract myself just for a moment, I like to turn on a good movie, get some steps in and just be in that one spot and in that one moment. I don’t get a lot of tv time in so this is usually my chance. I felt good after that. I got in my car to leave and I felt another wave, it hit harder. I drove home and I pulled over twice on my way home. I sat there, I prayed, I cried and cried and I let it all out. I pulled into my driveway and sat there for another almost half hour just sobbing. That dark cloud I was talking about, felt like it was thunderstorms over my heart. My soul was feeling so defeated and broken. This week alone I have had two different occasions where an anxiety attack has completely taken ahold of me. Left me unable to catch my breath, my heart feeling like it was beating from my chest and me sitting there sobbing so much I couldn’t breathe. I haven’t had anything like that in a while, like I said, they are far and few between these days. I can sit here and tell you I don’t know why… but I do know why.

Like I said in earlier paragraphs.. I am living a different life, the life I once knew is gone. It was gone October 16, 2020. The person I was is no longer the person I look at in the mirror everyday. The person I see on a daily basis has and still is finding her way, step by step, moment by moment, minute by minute, experience by experience, month after month I am still finding the words, still finding my path, still finding the stepping stones and along the way I am constantly picking up all the breadcrumbs God has left in front of me. I feel like a completely different BRE. Here is the thing, I don’t write or share for pitty or for sympathy. I don’t share for people to feel bad for me or to check in on me. I share because THIS is real life. THIS is who I am. THIS is raw and this is vulnerability at its finest. I have so much freaking work left to do on my soul. There is so much healing left to happen. I have so much love in my heart still yearning to give and I am. I am NOT broken, this I know… but dammit sometimes it most definitely feels like it and that depression… that deep deep pain you feel in the deepest parts of your heart. That doesn’t go away. It has not gone away, I am just learning to live with it. Some days it’s not has heavy, it feels lighter. Some other days… it feels so heavy, it feels completely overwhelming and suffocating and it feels like it is diminishing me as a whole. But.. I know it is not. If this has been teaching me anything it has been teaching me that I am still so fresh in this, I am still learning and growing, changing and evolving. There is still so much left to do.

I am not lost, I am found. I am so completely loved by God.

I listened to this song called “you say” on the way home tonight, if I’m being honest I had it on repeat and I just let the words wash over my soul, I digested every single word. I hear you Lord. I heard you. Here are the lyrics…

 I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure upAm I more than just the sum of every high and every low
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know
Ooh-ohYou say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And you say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don’t belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe
Oh, I believe
What You say of me
I believeThe only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity
Ooh-ohYou say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And you say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe
Oh, I believe
What You say of me
Oh, I believeTaking all I have, and now I’m laying it at Your feet
You have every failure, God, You have every victory
Ooh-ohYou say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe
Oh, I believe
What You say of me
I believeOh, I believe
Yes, I believe
What You say of me
I believe..

To be continued…

BRE

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