I felt my last post getting just a tad too long, hence why I said to be continued…
Monday, May 24, 202
It is Monday, I am sitting in the coffee shop waiting to join my first young adults group. Before I walked in here I got a voice memo from a sweet friend of mine praying for me. I will never go a day fully understanding Gods grace and love, how he shows up for me in so many ways, ways I never could have even fathomed. I am continuing to be made aware of the blessings, my surroundings, the people in my life that each bring their own light, their own voice that speaks into me all in their own way. I am so grateful.
Today had some light, I woke up and got my workout done, I did not want to because lets face it… who’s really a morning person? Not very many of us. I am trying to be simply because I have had so much on my plate, not in a negative way but things I want to do, places I WANT to be and being that the gym is a huge part of who I am, I feed now heavily off meaningful relationships and where I can serve that will fulfill my soul in all the ways I know God is trying to guide me to. He’s showing me where I’m supposed to be most, showing me that I have way more to offer than just going to the gym everyday, going to work and doing JUST that. I am not made for just the same things everyday that limit my time and my efforts. I am tired of saying NO because I have the gym and I have found that, the gym is still a place I love and a place I want to be but on MY OWN time. I will work around the gym not me around the gym. If that makes sense.
The enemy works in his own mysterious ways, the lord works in his BIG ways. His love is abundant and holy. It is fulfilling.
Tuesday May, 25th, 2020
Part of me realized today that there is still so much growing left to do within myself in my alone time. I am on fire in so many other areas, I am determined, full of life, focused, motivated…a little distracted. Sometimes not in the healthiest ways.
It has always been hard for me to be alone. Enjoy my own company, and when I mean alone I mean not being constantly surrounded by other people. It is why I would rather be at work than at home. It is why I would rather sit in my car and listen to music for a stupid amount of time when I should be somewhere because I ma distracted. It is why our phones and social media can be so damaging. This is something I am planning to do, a social media cleanse once a month. A friend suggested it and it resonated with me. Good for the soul, more time to spend with the lord. I am also choosing to re read through the Bible study I just did because it was just that good and I want take the time ALONE to really dive in and I already have the book so why not 🙂
If you want a normal look into one of my days or what my weeks look like here it is. Here is what it used to look like..
- Wake up and get ready for work
- eat breakfast and either take little man to school then head to work or just head to work
- work all day, 1 break in the AM, 30 minute lunch, and another 15 min break. Giving almost no time for anything else on those breaks
- Get off work and M, W, F head to Redmond to workout for about an hour or more most times. ( in a powerlifting team which I enjoy but it is very time consuming )
- Get home, cook dinner, make lunch, get ready for bed
- Go to bed
- do it all over again….
HERE IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE NOW
I am not even going to number these because it isn’t a list… my life does not need to be based off a list. That is so sad. Yes have things that NEED to get done, mark them off great. BUT, if you are living the same way 5 days a week… somethings gotta change. Are you really being fulfilled.
In this last 2 months I have finished yet another bible study but another book club coming up on Wednesday nights with some amazing women from church. I have joined a young adults group with a bunch of adults around my age, spending time in the word, good community, games and just an amazing well spent time. I have taken my passion to write and blog and journal way more seriously than ever before. I ran with it, and it has been…. exactly what my heart needed. I have chosen to take my time way more seriously with where I’m serving, am I giving to much to one area and not enough to myself? No, now I am making a point to give more to what I need. What is going to create a better me. The things that truly bring me joy I am now learning are just as important and they don’t belong on the back burner, they don’t deserve a no or an I guess I will do it tomorrow. They deserve for me to rearrange my life in order to better serve me.
SUNDAY May 30th, 2021
I am hopping back on here to write tonight and it is Sunday night, I had written a bit In my notes on my phone and when I do that it’s because I have things that pop into my head and I don’t want to lose my thoughts so I put them down wherever I can. So sorry for the gap in the days this week you guys, I had a lot going on and I like to take my time when writing out this stuff for the most part.
It was Memorial Day weekend. I made plans to hike crater lake here in Oregon, and we did that. I made plans to meet friends out at the Prineville reservoir and enjoy the sun, some food and some amazing company. I attended church this morning as well. It was a good day. A good weekend and it is a good life.
We have worship every Sunday, obviously and this one was powerful. I stood in the front row, held my hands together, and my eyes started to get teary eyed. I tend to get emotional no matter what but this one was different. The feeling I had was different. While talking to a friend, a really good friend this week about Chris I just remember telling her that when I think about him being gone it doesn’t feel real. That sometimes I walk around in denial of his absence and then I sit in church, the place we came and went together and I just cry. Tears flowing. Sometimes I feel Chris so near. Sometimes it just does not feel real that he is gone and there is so many things in this life that I just want to run and tell him. So many moments I wish we could get back. Some of my favorite moments in our relationship were our late night snacking in the kitchen just laughing, talking and pigging out. That time was special because it was just him and i. Present and goofy.
I am so damn proud of the choices I have made and I pray everyday that I am also making him proud up there. I know I am. Because of him, because of this entire other door to another world I knew nothing about…. I have decided it was time for me to give back. It was time for me to serve God in all ways, every way. Sharing his good news, changing lives, speaking truth, caring for those who need a little extra love and guidance, being vulnerable for myself and for the people who need to hear someone else’s vulnerability. I want to help, I want to love, I want to share and be a light. I have made lots of changes in order to accomplish the small things that bring me joy just to create them into bigger things. I know more is coming, I am sure of Gods goodness.
Whatever it is you choose to do in life, do it 110% but make sure you are having a healthy balance. At the end of the day and at the end of this life, I don’t want to be remembered solely for my hard work, to be remembered as the girl who busted her butt so much so she lost sight the important things in life. Family, friends, your children and most of all GOD. I am focusing on a much simpler life that better serve MY life.
You are loved, by more people than you know. Remember what is important in life, where do you want to be at the end of your life and who do you want standing next to you? Where is your time and effort being used? Ask yourself this, How will I be remembered? What do I want to leave behind one day? I know some people say, “just focus on the now, don’t think ahead or of the past” but that isn’t me and personally it is not realistic to me. What is the harm in wanting to have ambitions and dreams, or to have a goal in mind, a place you want to be and who you want to be there. Don’t let anyone tell you it is damaging to think ahead or to think of the past. In my head, my past has experiences that NOW I can use to speak from and on and THAT is beautiful. Your life is a story, it is a beautiful messy story, we all have one and each is unique.
Choosing to remember that life has lots of little things that make up all the big things. If you look close enough you can find the beauty in the world. When I sit and stare at my Childs sweet face and listen to him speak I am in awe that I created that. How lucky I am to be a momma. How special it is that I get to raise a human, there is nothing in this world more important to me than being a momma, and the best one I can be. If you pay attention in life you can feel and see all the magnificence in this world. There is so much to be grateful for, you can feel a true blessing.
I am going to cut this off and write again this week, there were many gaps in this one due to the week I have had. With that being said, I send you of this week to write yourself a kind affirmation everyday of the week. This is something I have HAD to do for myself in order to remind myself just how special I truly am. Sometimes we need to remind us… when it comes from someone else it is great, but you have to feel it for yourself too.
Beautifully Made New