All of Gods breadcrumbs, his tiny little stepping stones, placement of ANYTHING that he sets before me. This I have seen, this I have noticed, this now more than ever I have payed attention to. Maybe it took something tragic happening to open my eyes, unfortunately sometimes I feel like that is the case. I have always been empathetic and aware, but now more than ever I’m on high alert, I am way more aware, I am even more emotional than ever before, I am even more vulnerable than ever before and most of all I am more of an open book than I ever thought I was. I always say ” I see through a different lens of life.” I love differently, I give my energy and time differently now.
I guess my point to this topic was to talk about those breadcrumbs I have noticed God place before me. My counselor that I talked with after everything took place told me I was different, she told me I was an old soul, that it was remarkable to her the mindset I walked around with, the ability to see something peaceful and worthy at the end of the tunnel, that in the midst of all the ugly I chose to see beauty. Does this mean It weighed or hurt any less? Nope. Not one bit, but I fought everyday, and I still fight. I think now, in this particular time of my healing, the grief and the trauma.. I am now dealing with what I saw, having to find him. The last few months have been a whirlwind of uncertain events, moments where I crave and ache Chris so much, how I just wish I had one more chance to save him and I seem to forget what happened. I don’t know if that’s the right sentence to better explain this but that’s what i’m going with. I am NOW, dealing with the trauma of finding the person I loved so much, the details of the day he left this earth and all the puzzle pieces leading up to that moment. Coming home from work, walking in OUR home, seeing two letters on our coffee table. One letter was a love letter I had written him prior that week and the other was his goodbye letter. Our brand new puppy in her kennel to my right. When I looked left I saw our garage door wide open and I had this eery feeling, I slowly turned the corner and I saw him there. I saw him for a split second and fell to my knees. We had neighbors all up by our house from my street crying with me, I don’t know how long I was screaming and wailing for and from what I was told, no one had ever heard someone make the sounds that I made that day. I look back and I can see myself in the moment, I can see myself wailing and remember rocking back and forth, hitting the ground beneath me and screaming NO at the very top of my lungs over and over and over again. My best friends mom walked me over to the other side of the townhome because my bestie lived right next door and if you have read my other blog posts, she was there for the entire thing. She was right by my side, she had to do the part of this that I could never ever do. She did so much for me that day that I just could not do. I was in a daze, I felt like someone ran me over multiple times and was continuing to rip my heart out of my chest.
What felt like forever was only like 2 hours after I found him and I finally got the ability to stand up and go to the bathroom. My body was in so much physical pain. I was so tired yet terrified to go to sleep. For weeks after I did not sleep. I would lie awake at night terrified to fall asleep. I would wake up and immediately be in this depressive state of mind and I truly felt like I did not want to keep going. It was so damn painful that I felt so broken I was not able to come back from this. I truly did not understand how or when I was going to come back from this. The next day we woke up and were taken to the funeral home where he was at for a little bit, we only had a window of time to say our goodbyes. I was really on my way to a funeral home to say goodbye to the person I loved with every inch of my soul, the person I just spent the last 2 years with, moved into my first home with, bought a puppy with. I could go on. I walked in that funeral home and as we were walking in the room where he was laying… I was being held on either side by my mother and my best friends mom. I walked every so slowly over to him to touch him and I immediately jumped back. I was terrified. He was so cold, he was so clammy, and hard as a rock. He wasn’t my Chris. I just wailed and wailed. I finally got the strength to touch him and hug him and kiss him goodbye. When I looked at him he seemed to have a smirk on his face, not like his was smiling but he was at peace. That brought my some comfort. That was the hardest goodbye I have ever had to make.
The first breadcrumb he left me.
The day he took his life I KNEW God was there, I knew he had all of us. My best friend was the one running around trying to take care of everyone, make the appropriate phone calls and so on. One phone call she made I will remember forever. She made a phone call to our landlord to inform her of the events. Little did we know that THAT phone call she stated might of saved her daughters life. We had zero idea that anything similar was going on with her and her family.. but how would we know unless we asked? Can you think of how many times you don’t ask or don’t check in with a friend or family member who may be having similar thoughts and feelings? In a way I believe from that moment on God was showing me a new path. A new way to open my heart and be more compassionate than I already am in this life. That even through something so awful that some other lives are destined to be changed because of this story. It is obvious you can’t save everyone but I will do my best to be the listening ear, the compassionate and understanding heart that someone needs if that means saving a life and relieving even a little bit of that pain they feel.
The second breadcrumb
My second one was I think two weeks after his passing. It felt like such a blur to me so when I relive those days and weeks they all almost seem to mesh together in one giant ball. I was so eager to have him visit my dreams, I was angry. I was feeling the sadness but I was just angry. I was angry that he had done what he did in OUR home. That OUR home was now not the same place it was before. I couldn’t be alone in that home, I couldn’t walk around that house by myself and I definitely couldn’t walk by the garage ( which was right near our upstairs) without getting an eerie feeling. I was angry at him for what he did not just in our home but to me… how could he let me come home to him like that? How could he do something like this KNOWING I would be the only person to come inside our home that day or ever.. I had so many questions and now looking back I feel awful for being angry at him for that and here is why.
Suicide is NOT selfish act, I will forever stand firm on that.
I had all these questions and the anger bubbling up inside me I just wanted SOMETHING, literally anything to answer even just one question that I had. Whatever it was 2 weeks or 3, like I said I am not sure. But, I had a gal I hardly know message me on instagram. Out of the blue, we just follow each other and have met a few times like 6 years ago. This was out of nowhere. She was just messaging me and opening up to me about her own past traumas and such. We got to talking and she wanted to remind me that Chris did not do what he did to hurt me, he did not do it in our home to hurt me or damage our humble abode and make it not homey anymore.. he did it where he did it because that is where he felt MOST comfortable. He felt at peace in our home, how could he not? It was our space. He did it at home and let me to find him because he felt comfort knowing the love of his life would be there to find him. I don’t know why that doesn’t make me second guess my questions but it makes sense and it made sense when she was explaining this to me. As soon as she further explained or tried to explain it to me because of her own personal handles with suicide and potential suicide herself she was able to give me a little comfort at the time and just remind me that the last thing he was trying to do was hurt me. I felt a little bit of relief after that conversation. Only a little bit.. and the time, a little bit was more than I could’ve asked for. At that point I wanted so badly to have him visit me so I could tell him how much we loved him and how we wish we could’ve saved him and how I am not angry anymore, I just felt sad for him. Sad that he felt the way he did enough to make that permanent choice. None of us will ever go a day without this memory.
For a few weeks, I wrote so much. I wrote to him, I texted his phone, I called his phone, I wrote him letters, I wrote out things just to write. I used to say ” I will never be the same again” I said that a lot and looking back I still stand firm on that. Was I supposed to stay the same? Absolutely not. That forever changed my life in more ways than one. But now… now is a different ball game. No I am never going to be the same, I don’t want to be. I want to grow, heal, change lives, love more, love harder, smile more, pray more, be more ambitious, I want to write more and tell my story to so many more people out there. So when I used to say, ” I will never be the same” I am now saying it from a different place in my healing process because at the time I was saying it as if I could never live without my Chris. Life is not easy I will give you that, living life without him is not easy. What happened, that is not for the faint of heart. I know I will see him again one day, I know he’s always watching over me. He is watching over all his loved ones. I always hope I am making him proud up there and keeping his memory alive in every way. I am constantly doing my best. That is all the grace I can give myself.
The 3rd breadcrumb
I ended up connecting with a girl who was experiencing a situation with a family member who was in this certain state of mind, he was suicidal. We got to talking on social media, I ended up continuing to check in on her here and there and just talk to her, ask what I can pray for. This relationship, with a complete stranger nonetheless blossomed into a supportive friendship, where we both understand one another. On a different level than most BECAUSE of my story. Because of that, she felt comfortable coming to me to talk and share with. THAT is why I share the way I do. Where I was able to lend a different view or just be another voice for her to hear and at the time I was still SO fresh from losing Chris. Little did I know God was and still is placing these different people in my life, different situations and many different conversations all to open my eyes to the door he has waiting for me to open. I feel like I have heard him loud and clear, I am listening. I am watching and I am aware of all the beauty even during the ugly and messy days. God has continued to show up and remind me why this story is going to change lives, because it has already changed a few and in another blog post I will share more about that in some of the messages I have recieved ( I will keep names out though for privacy reasons ) I hear my purpose and I see the path set before me, I just have to open that door.
The 4th breadcrumb
I have been trying to figure out what I wanted to do next with my purpose and the place I have been speaking from, I feel this fire in my soul that just wants to HELP people in some way but at the same time I have wanted to honor Chris’s life as well. I was thinking “what could I do?” And I had this idea to try and look into becoming an addiction counselor for some time now. No one knew about this idea at all, I mean NO ONE!
I was serving at church one morning and as a really good friend of mine and I were talking she was asking me all kinds of questions about what I wanted to do and then suggested I talk to this lady at our church who is involved with the addiction side of things. I was honestly like.. ” OK God I hear you, I see you now.” I was in awe of what that conversation came out to be because I had that idea in the back of my head for weeks and then all of a sudden a friend suggests it to me WITH opportunities surrounding us for me to get involved and I just knew THAT is what I was supposed to look into doing. Even if it was just volunteering for a little while so I get a feel, I just did not care what I had to do as long as I was doing something that was fulfilling me and my purpose. I am still now in the process of trying to get involved and I will always keep you all update on how all that goes. I am so excited because being with someone who was in addiction himself and hearing many testimonies from many different guys around him including his.. I was just blown away by Gods goodness. Those testimonies were a true test of faith, they bolster your faith in the Lord and remind you of all his grace. I know for me, hearing stories as such, it brings me back to a place where I KNOW God does work miracles, he is a miracle worker you guys and THESE stories just prove that. Time and Time again. No one is too broken for God, you are NOT too far gone and testimonies remind you of that.
So I encourage you, if you need a reminder on his promise to us, his grace and love for us PLEASE go listen to someone’s testimony and really hear where they came from and where they are now. Miracles do happen, and lives can be saved. They are every single day. This is where I want to give my energy these days. We are all broken in our own ways, we walk around carrying our OWN story and your story is unique in it’s own way. I have always said that sometimes people like to read the words they can’t say, or they like to listen to the words in a song that describes something they might be going through. I promise whatever you have to say, it does not go unnoticed. Someone is watching, someone is reading, someone is listening and most of SOMEONE is being changed and enlightened because of YOU.
I have so many more breadcrumbs to share but I am going to leave this post at just this. I always have more to say but I am afraid if I make these too long no one will take the time to read it. So, stay tuned for more and have an amazing new week ahead.
You are loved
You are worthy
You are beautifully made new.