I don’t often come on here and speak about my new life. The one I am currently living without my Chris. It becomes so painful at times remembering that he is no longer living his life here on earth with me, but I am comforted knowing he is living his heavenly life. He is home. I speak so much on my own strength and perseverance through this hard season, I don’t know if I would call it a season actually. Maybe this is more of a time In my life that will take some time to really figure out, how to really get through all the bits and pieces of what losing him and losing him to suicide nonetheless did to me, the long road that it has been but I have hardly have talked about this new life I am living. Without him, and it has not been easy.
As most of you know, some of you do not. Chris and I moved really fast in our relationship. We moved in together three whole months of being together. We were head over heels in love, we could never get enough of each other. It was apparent to everyone around us, even to us. I loved his big strong arms, his goofy quirky personality and the way he was so selfless with everyone he loved. Even if it meant giving up things for himself, he would do that without hesitation for someone he loved. He was selfless and kind, he was caring.
Our relationship was not easy, being with someone who struggled with a past of addiction, someone who relapsed twice while we were together, someone who was so damaged from his years while being in his addiction, he just was not the same person even though he tried every single day. I saw glimpses of this other Chris, the one who wanted so badly to just feel like a normal human, someone who did not feel like he walked around with this mental illness and the awful effects that his time spent in addiction did to him. Even when our relationship was not easy, we always came back around to the same feeling, the same comittment we had for one another. How much we deeply loved one another and I would still to this day fight for us and for him. I never turned my back, I never walked away, I probably took more than I should have but I loved that man with every part of my soul and he knew that.
January 22, 2020 I got a text while at work and Chris was away for work for 3 weeks but he would come back for the weekends. I got a text from him saying,
Chris: “I want to marry you, just decided”
Me: “Don’t mess with me like that.”
Chris: ” I’m not, I’m serious
Me: ” You already know how I feel about this..”
Chris: ” Lets just got to Vegas”
Chris: ” I’m serious, Let’s get married, I don’t care if we go to the courthouse. I wanna spend my life with you.”
Reading those messages again and again break my freaking heart. He knew how much I wanted to marry him, at first he didn’t think he would ever want that nor did he think he wanted another child since we both had one of our own. That changed quickly in our relationship and suddenly we kept talking about how we wanted another one of us running around, how much we wanted to see our two boys be big brothers to another little one. We had dreams for our life, we had plans, we had a deep love that even when things got extremely hard, life came rushing at us like a speed of light I KNEW, WE knew without a doubt our souls were connected. I loved him, hard.
When Chris died and I found him, it was hard and still is hard to process. Even still, I think now, in this part of the healing I am just now trying to find my way through the trauma part of it all. Expected, this I know. But, a whole new life took form for me. An entire new bre was just being prepped for her journey through unknown territory and very difficult waters. Nothing God knew I wouldn’t be able to handle though. He knew this would break me but just enough to rebuild me. Now, I see life through a different lens with a new set of eyes, eyes that catch every single special moment, eyes that SEE the world as is, eyes that notice the little things and live in a moment just for it to pass. Moments pass us by like trains on a highway, they come and go, they are there and they aren’t. Life happens, things in life not only catch us by surprise but things that are almost always expected to break us and then when they don’t break us I imagine God is sitting there clapping right along side of us saying, “See this is what I made you for. I made you for so much more and you did not let the enemy win this battle.” Some battles have been lost, Chris’s battle with depression and his struggle with feelings where he felt he lacked worth, that might of seemed to of win but it didn’t. He is home with the Lord, he is truly home and at peace. At first, I just kept saying how I would never be able to think about another man let alone look at another man in interest. God has his own ways of guiding us through grief and opening doors that you never thought would open and sometimes they open to teach us something and then they just close. Never onto the next, but a what can I learn from this? Where can this help me grow type of door opening? Am I right? Can any of you relate or tell me a time where you felt like a door opening was a lesson to be aware of?
My new life was just that, new. It was scary, it was lonely sometimes, and not in a way where I wanted to fill the void or fill the emptiness because truthfully I would have rather been alone than without Chris by my side. The person I spent the last two years sleeping next to every single night, the person I was building a new foundation with, a new life together, our routines, our home, our hobbies, our kids, our love, our inside jokes, our dreams and aspirations, our ability to still act so in love and head over heels for one another. I feel like now, I am still navigating a new life. I am not scared for this new life, do I miss me old one? A lot of the time I do, there are things I miss daily about my old life and it honestly felt as if I was just awaiting the days to be over, I was just barley making it day by day, I just wanted to be close to him. I just wanted him back so badly and I was so eager to hear from him in my dreams somehow.
My new life is filled with more wonder, more love, more compassion, more adventure, more appreciation for just life, more desires and dreams, more courage and grace, more perseverance and patience, more moments that I take and grab onto so that I can live inside each and every single one. But it is also filled with, anger, frustration, sadness, questions, confusion, days where I feel utterly depressed, days where I just wish with all my heart I could run into his arms and just hug him and I know I can’t and it kills me, days where I don’t know why I feel that heavy weight but it is there and I just have to feel it in order for it to pass. This new life is filled with a purpose and joy, it is filled with many new relationships, it is filled with all of the Lord and this new life is completely structured IN him and BY him. He did this, he made me new, he guided me, was there for me, loved me recklessly and knew I would make it out of this with a new understanding of life. The Lord KNEW I would use this to change a life or two or three. He knew what I was going to do. That is continuing to be shown to me and I am more aware and awake now to see his vision for me.
When I think of my new life and my old, I won’t lie and say I don’t miss it. I miss everything about our daily routine together, the way we loved even on those hard days. I miss Chris every single second of everyday. I miss the way he laughed, the way he cooked dinner and played music and we just became present. I miss the way we would get in bed and spend 30 minutes picking a movie just to go downstairs and eat some ice cream or some kind of sugary goodness then go back to bed and snuggle. I miss waking up to his warm arms and his middle of the night kisses consuming me. I miss waking up to his kiss before leaving for work every morning, he never missed a beat when he kissed me goodbye for the day. I miss us planning our workouts together for everyday of the week. I miss the way we started to read the 5 love languages together and even though it wasn’t something that really interested in him he did it anyway because he knew it would better our relationship on some level and all he wanted was to do that, with me, us holding hands doing this life together. I miss the way he sang in the shower and I laughed while waiting for him to be done. I miss our clinginess and the way we both craved our physical touch for one another and the words of affirmation we gave. I miss the mid day texts from each other, just to come home and still act as if we hadn’t talked all day already. I miss his love. I miss our life together. I miss… HIM.
I was reading something about perseverance. Perseverance is taken as pushing on, get through it, just get to the other side. Right? But what is not said often is how just because you press on and push through something does not mean you are automatically strong, it does not mean it isn’t hard because it is NOT. It is not easy. It is painful. That is the truth right there, and most people don’t talk about that. I was and always am walking by faith, walking by God through all of this. Even to this day and it has only been 8 months. I forget how fresh that still is for me. The valley that I am now walking through, the trauma. He is still there with me, loving me and helping shine light on my perseverance. He is not yet done with me and my story. I CHOSE to turn my page, I CHOSE to press on, I CHOSE to literally fall to my knees and BEG God to save me. I knew what had to be done. I CHOSE to persevere, to fight for my life back, I CHOSE to fight my way out of this tight little bubble of despair, pain, trauma, grief, guilt, anger, lostness, sadness, depression, I CHOSE to find my way out of that, and it was not easy. I’m embracing all things new, I am embracing the new life I have and while I am still going through the moments, I can appreciate life more now. I appreciate the meaning of true love. I appreciate the unconditional love my child has for me, how much he needs mommy. I appreciate the sun shining, I appreciate the days where I just need to cry. I appreciate that because I am human, I feel and because I feel I am able to be compassionate and understanding to those around me and then some. I appreciate that I still get to wake up and BREATHE another day of this life, I appreciate that even though I don’t see Chris now I know one day we will be together again, in heaven and I will get to be reunited with that love. I appreciate every single moment in my life, it all means something in some way shape or form. I appreciate the ability to explore and get outside in nature, I appreciate that I have a passion and a gift to be able to write the way I do and write from the deepest parts of my heart and soul. I appreciate that I even got 2 years of life with someone who changed me forever. I appreciate that I was able to love him and him i. I appreciate life. Moments pass us by, as I said, but my moments are being lived so much more definitely. My moments in this life are being lived with much more purpose and strive, passion and grace. To notice all the small things because they also make up the big things, that life is to precious and our relationships with our loved ones are so important, that we only have this one life to live and at the end of my life I would like to think that the most important aspects of THIS life will be the only things that would have ever mattered. My child, my loved ones, and most of all the relationship between me and the father. That is all.
This new life is and will be spent appreciating everything, taking in the moments around me that come and go and cherishing what is in the moment. My new life, is more colorful in lots of different areas. This new life is different and while I know it is painful sometimes to remember that I am doing this without him, the person I thought I would marry, I know he is cheering me on, he is oh so proud and he is right here with me for every milestone accomplished, for every birthday that will come and go, for all my passions being fulfilled, he is here while I support him and continue to honor him in all the ways I know how. He is here for all the things he can’t physically be here for and as much as I wish was here to hold, I know he is here no matter what. He’s watching. He is listening. He is smiling.
It is kind of like the wind, I can’t see it but I can feel it.
Chris, I can’t see you but I can feel you. And, I know you are here.
I love you,