The other day I wrote out a list of what truly matters to me.
Here they are.
- Being a good, present mother
- The gift of LIFE
- Memories made
When I say what truly MATTERS, I mean like what if you were sitting in your special chair at the peak END of your life? Close your eyes, as you are reading this, take just a moment to really step into that space and ask yourself.. What matters to you? What WILL matter to you at the end?Let’s make it clear that I think when some people read this they might say to themselves.. ” why is she writing aboutt the future, why is she not just living presently?” This is my point though.. we often forget to live in the present and really remember what is important so much so that we do NOT think about how fast time moves. How quickly things can change. I don’t want this to be taken the wrong way. I just want to shed light on this just a tad.
I did not put money on my list because I know it is not the most important aspect of my life. While I know we need it to an extent, there is also so much hurt and damage and toxicity wrapped around the idea that money can solve anything in life. Jesus trumps money, he over powers everything. Remember this. In the past year I have really, truly reminded myself that no matter what comes my way, difficult or otherwise, that I am taken care of, I will always hand my life over to him. I know it is easier said than done, especially in the middle of what feels like an.. “Oh no, what am I going to do? How am I going to fix this?” In those moments I have really taken a huge deep breath and said these words. “Breanna, it is okay. It will always be OKAY.” I say a prayer and I move forward. Guess what? Somehow I ALWAYS find the way. Not MY WAY, but whatever way comes, I follow and I am indeed OKAY!
Your mind, your brain, what you have the ability to utilize in everyday life, the power and knowledge in what you walk around with is beyond me, it is insane and most people do not use it enough. Most people would rather shut it off or distract themselves and let me explain something honey.. If you ALWAYS turned it off, shut off, distracted yourself ( even with things that may seem positive or healthy ) they are still negative distractions. They take you away from the one place that you actually need to be present in, for whatever THAT is. For me, it was being present in my grief and trauma, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t put myself in the place of losing Chris, finding him and the many minutes after that. The fact that my best friend lived that awful few moments with me, that she had to be the one to make the phone call to the police, she had to be the one to get him down… She had to be the one because I could not. That eats at me sometimes. Sometimes it is almost as if I am out of my body reliving that entire day through every step I took. At first I felt like I was forcing myself too, then I realized that was not the case. I remember what I remember and each time I do, I don’t always feel the same emotions. Each time I remember something from that day or the WHOLE day, different feelings take place. This will happen, for a long time. But, this is where I am supposed to be. It also does not take away the growth I have had through all of that. It only creates more to grow from and move forward with it apart of my story.
I talk about this often and it is because I feel like you could benefit from really taking a pen to paper, your fingertips to a keyboard and writing out YOUR story. We all have one, we all have SOMETHING. That is what makes this world so unique, in a world where most people of all ages want to be the next best person they see on social media, constantly comparing and I feel like now it’s not just an outer body comparison, its a lifestyle comparison. Guess what? Those beautiful people you see one social media, they are human too. They feel too. That beautiful girl who seems to have it together all the time? She lost someone too. That guy who seems to always be having a good time, or out with all his “buddies”? He is hiding from something he is not ready to face and distracts himself with meaningless friendships where he can be anyone he wants to be. I feel like the vulnerability that I share here or on all my socials honestly gives you a better, more real and raw view of who I am. I can share these pretty filtered photos, photos of my life with my friends and my child. I may LOOK like it’s always a good time, but what I want to remind you of is there is always a part of my day where I sit back and I am reminded with what happened that forever changed who I was and forever changed my outlook on life. It is with me everyday, I forget that I went through a very traumatic experience and it is catching up with me and causing me different triggers everyday, but nothing that I can’t handle and get through ( not easily ) but I will get through it no matter what. I am just like you, my heart has been broken, I have lost someone ( to suicide and to be the person who found him) nonetheless, I have a horrible relationship that I wish with all my heart would one day take a beautiful turn with the father of my child and it has been so so hard to deal with. I don’t have my own private space anymore and I just quit my office job to make more money babysitting WHILE giving myself the freedom to also dive deeper into my passions and my newest one yet, figuring out how to become an addiction counselor. I am thrilled. Even in the midst of a storm, I am still seeing that light at the end of the tunnel and it leads me into a beautiful new world. A world I am creating for myself, one I am proud of.
Life is colorful and beautiful and worth being LIVED. This is a huge reason why I took a step back, reevaluated and restructured my life a little bit.
The gym used to be ALL I was about, it was all that mattered to me, it is still a huge part of me and I do it 5 times a week, sometimes 6. But it is better managed time wise and schedule wise, I don’t feel like I am saying no to friends all the time because the gym comes first. I never wanted to get rid of the things that made me happy but better yet I wanted to make them all work for me and not against me. Like I said in the beginning of this post, what matters to you? What needs more of your time and attention? What is something you have wanted to do but found yourself saying you are too busy? We are never too busy to be fulfilling our dreams and aspirations. Life is too short to forget that you weren’t just put here to live a CONTENT and COMPLACENT life. You are meant to LIVE babe.
I am thrilled and so flipping stoked that I have had the ability to not only put myself first but truly focus on LIFE. At the end of it, I know I will have memories to hold onto from this life with all the people I love most in the world. Because that is important, not the times I spent saying no to opportunity and chances to make a memory or two. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and say ” well, I made all this money, what do I have to show for it?” I want to say I finally realized at almost 30 years old that I figured out the true meaning of being PRESENT. Truly present in life, in the world, in memory making, present in Gods word and praising him daily. THAT is what I live for these days.
Yes, I believe everyone should be able to get the chance to touch their dreams, make a true dedication to their desires, dreams, aspirations. Most people stay complacent and content to a point where it becomes unhealthy and then that disappointment in THEMSELVES allows it to be bled into friendships and family. Ask yourself if that is happening to you now or with someone in your family? Does someone talk about wanting to do something but never actually takes the steps to get there. I know how important it is to be able to live a life that you love and admire. A life fulfilling that dream you have, just remember that it should never compromise your integrity, your friendships with family and friends. It should never take over so much so you lose sight of everything else around you. Don’t let your passion become a negative thing. I believe we can all take a step back, look at the picture in front of us and balance things out. I am sorry I don’t have more beautiful words and some better terminology to use here but truthfully. Just balance. Restructure. Rebuild.
I remember saying today that we are made for more than just a good day and smiles. The storms that have showered over my life have always passed and with it came a beautiful, colorful rainbow. We have to experience those storms, because if we didn’t.. who would you be? Some people have said, ” Why do I have to experience a storm at all? I just want to be mentally stable. Guess what? You don’t get to just BE mentally stable and just have a good day. If you experience happiness and joy, you also experience sadness and anger. There is never one emotion you feel over the other. That is not how it works. Stories aren’t made from all good days and everything always working out in your favor. All storms look different, A LOT different and that is OKAY! My story might seem like it has more but I promise you it does not. Mine is different because it is MINE. What is yours? What do you have to share? You are made for more, always. It doesn’t always have to look pretty, put together. Life is MESSY all on its own and you, NO ONE can change that. Life can get pretty ugly, it is meant to be at times. We just get used to managing it so much so that we forget to just be present in the messy and remember life is still so gorgeous. Even in the midst of messy and figuring things out.
You have so much to offer.
I truly want to hear what matters to you? Write out a list and email me your list, I truly want to read it and maybe an explanation as to why near some them or the most important ones.
You are adored.