June 21, 2021
I am writing you a letter. I don’t know what else to do tonight. Today and tonight you have weighed heavily on my heart and my mind. You know what I miss the most? Being known by you. My best friend. We connected immediately and I ache for that.. with you. I find myself scooting on by in life and I know I am making lots of progress but nights like tonight I feel like I am almost reminded that I have be to extra picky with who I choose to allow in my corner in my life. This gut feeling I have in my stomach that I need to be extra careful and be aware. To go with my gut, to allow love to enter but be picky. I know you are here honey. I know you are watching and listening. I need you, I want YOU. Sometimes I say the same words over and over again… I don’t know how to do this. I am sorry for every fight we ever had. I am sorry we never got the chance to say the words “I do”. No one will ever understand the depth of my love for you. The life we WERE building together. I know you were not what your addicton made you to be. I know that was not the Chris we all knew, it was only a part of your story and it never defined you as a whole person.
Remember the few weeks you were away at work? Remember the anticipation to come home to me? I remember that few weeks so clearly. We were always head over heels for each other. We missed one another even when it was just a normal work day. We were somewhat obsessed with each other and everyone could see it. I miss that, I miss US.
I tried so hard to save you. I remember sitting in my car with you for the first time and just listening to you talk about your past and you thought the whole time that I would say never mind and never see you again. That did not happen and fast forward to 3 months later we got our place together and I was so thrilled. All we ever wanted was to wake up next to each other and fall asleep together. That quickly became a favorite routine and in the morning when you left for work you would kiss me goodbye while I was most of the time still asleep, you never skipped a beat with that. I miss that.
I think on nights like tonight i am just missing my best friend. The person I share everyday life with and no matter how hard, no matter how many tears were shed, no matter what happened between us I was still committed to you. You could ask anyone and they would say, “those two love each other with everything they have.” No it was not easy, it is never easy being with someone who has mental health issues and is an ex addict but baby, I always knew the real you. I knew and still know who you really are. You were the man that wanted a normal life with me and us, our boys. You wanted the whole thing, a home, a baby of our OWN, a career… but you always felt 10 steps backwards. I wish I could’ve helped you realize how special you were, how I saw more in you than you did in yourself. I wish you saw that light and that true genuine care and love that you carried with you, even in your worst moments.
I just don’t know how I am supposed to do this, sometimes I think I am there, sometimes I think “ok I can do this, I can find love again, I can be open to this..” and SOMETHING has continued to either stop me, get in the way or just not pan out. No I am not searching, but in a way, actually I believe 110% God is telling me…. this is not your time and I am working on it but keep doing what you are doing and I promise I will come through.
I am trying to sit in these moments of despair. You know want to know how I truly feel tonight? I feel lost and alone, and not alone as in I have no one, I mean alone in the deepest, darkest parts of my soul. That if I’m being honest Chris, I just want to be with you again. I want to see you again and wrap my arms around you. Rylan misses you, your own son needs his daddy and I just wish we could turn back time and take that entire week back. I never thought I would lose you, I always expressed to you that I don’t know what I would do if I lost you… and here I am trying to figure out how to do this without you. This is not easy, but you know what I do know honey?
Here is what I do know.
I am a child of God, I know I am saved and so loved by our God and it brings much so much joy to know you are riding high in heaven with him, watching, listening, guiding me too. I know you have us and I KNOW you are sending me someone special, I know you know my heart. You know the person I have always been and the way I ache to be loved and cherished and adored, you know I want more babies and to build a life with my person. I wish that was you but here is what else I know… I know because you want that for me too, I know that one day the person that does come into my life..that will be a surprise, I won’t have to hide the loss of you, you will be excepted with open arms, there will be no jealousy, no competition in love, no questioning, it will just be. As is. I know this person, this individual will make a huge point to make you and your memory a part of OUR lives. I will come naturally, gently, compassionately, lovingly, authentically, genuinely.
I crave that genuine authenticity from someone. I crave the real deep, raw love that goes down in the depths of someones soul, where you look at that person and you say… yep THIS is the person I can’t live without and that bond… could never be broken even with the sharpest knife out there. Our bond never broke, not even on our worst day or in the worst fight we ever had. It was still there and everyone saw that.
Tonight’s been hard, I love you and I ache for you tonight babe. This is not fair, I need your love and your ability to know me as I knew you. I feel like my other half got ripped away from me and one day you were here and I was sitting next to you telling you how much I loved you and that I was here and would always be here for you and then… you were just gone. How is this real life? How are you just gone like this? At times, it doesn’t feel real and I know when those specific feelings of it being fuzzy in my head, where I don’t really know how to explain how much I miss you or how this doesn’t feel real, that is YOU telling me you are here. You aren’t here for me to see, hug and love on but you are here and you know the aching in my chest, the agony that consumes me sometimes where I just cry out. You know my heart, you know what I deserve and I know you will forever be here to support me in all my endeavors.
Baby I hope you are so damn proud of me, I hope you have heard every single word and felt every feeling that I have felt, that you have closed your eyes with me as I prayed. I hope you continue to be here for me and for us. I need you, I need you in so many ways.
I love you endlessly and I will cherish what time we did have together for as long as I live, until the day I get to see you again.