It is 10:50pm and I am writing because I just finished sending a text to someone and when I was finished I felt this intense overwhelming feeling of the life I once had gone and how it feels to have that ripped away. Let me explain a little bit more.
I sent a text out to one of Chris’s best friends moms, talking about how her son is doing and how he is back in teen challenge trying to just get better again for yet another time. I am not sure how many times this is for him. But, as I sent the text explaining to her that I am ALWAYS here for him, I am ALWAYS a phone call away and that I will be here to support in the healthiest of ways as he tries to recover again. Losing his best friend… I just knew this wouldn’t end in the way it did for me. I went one way and he went the other. His way only allowed more damage and a pause button on dealing with the pain of losing his best friend. I decided to go the other way and face this loss head on and not mask or distract myself from that deep pain and sorrow. No matter what, I stated I was always going to be here.
A bout a month or even just a few weeks before Chris took his life his best friend had gotten out of jail, he was on the right road to bettering his life. He WANTED to. I could feel it and SEE IT. Beforehand, I would have told Chris to cut off contact all together and I have done that because he was not in a place to be the friend Chris needed at the time due to his lack of wanting to get sober. At the time his best friend did not understand this and so this conversation we had weeks prior to Chris taking his life was on the phone right before he got out meant the world to him. We had a heart to heart about how much we both deeply cared for Chris and his sobriety and how all I ever wanted was for him to have his best friend back in his life as he had not many male figures that were good for his current life and the one he was trying to live, sober. He then just explained how supportive he was for us as a couple and how much he respected me for keeping Chris away from him and even if at the time he didn’t see it was out of love for my guy, he still respected me and was able to tell me this later on. After this conversation ended on the phone between me and his best friend, Chris was crying. Happy tears. He was SO happy that two of his favorite and most important people had finally had that conversation he had been waiting for. He wanted me to be more willing and open and compassionate so I was. He wanted me to believe the best instead of the worst when it came to this life I was hesitant about and who we had in our corner. I was protective. I had every right to be and he never took that feeling away from me, respectfully.
I think I am getting off track but I guess I just wanted to give you guys like a little inside into what this post was meant for or where my feeling to write something deep tonight came from. I am in my feels tonight and just experiencing that heavy weight once again.
Sometimes I just don’t feel like ME.
I guess when I say this it’s a good thing for me to say I don’t feel like ME, the old ME. That IS a good thing because the old me was never putting herself first, she was worried about everything 24/7. Never having a thought or moment to herself. When you care as deeply as I did for someone like Chris, it was never about me wanting to control what he did but I wanted so badly for him to continue to live a sober life WITH US and his boy. I wanted so badly to be able to build a life together but there was so so so Many days, most days after his first relapse that I worried day in and day out about what he was going to do if he wasn’t with me. I worried more than you think. I loved him so much and cared so deeply for that man that I somewhat lost sight of my own life and what was important to me. I have zero resentment. I am just simply explaining that I am STILL allowed to miss the old me and mourn her and that life WHILE KNOWING that I am in a better place for mine and my sons life mentally and emotionally.
As I was reading her text and the one I sent back, like I said I got this wave of emotion that rushed over me. Like a feeling of just loss for a life I once knew that I am no longer living anymore. I remember a few times where we would go to this house for dinner and have just the best time with the best company and these people are just all around some of the best people you would ever meet. I remember our drives there and home. How we would drive home just so beyond grateful and blessed to have those two in our lives, to have that family in our corner. We loved nothing more than joining dinner parties and outings with the people in our lives and even though we didn’t see these people as often, we still felt so blessed for the time we had when we did.
Tonight, I am just thinking and remembering every single detail from when we planned these things together, to when they happened, to our drive home where we talk about our night, we crawl in bed and snuggle and get to wake up together.
I miss my old life and the person I was building it with.
I miss our bed, I miss our couch, our HOME. I miss our night and day routines TOGETHER, I miss our shower, I miss our nights of aimlessly playing video games or our mid day naps on Saturdays and Sundays. I miss our walks to the park, our trips to the grocery store. He knew I loved our time to grocery shop together and that I hated doing it unless we did it together. I miss waking up to his goodbye kisses in the morning while I am still sleeping. I miss when I would make his lunch every single day and leave a note in the lunchbox to be found by him. I could go on and on but you get the point of what I am grieving and mourning tonight. Details. The simplest details of our everyday lives and the people around us too.
It is not easy, this has been really hard and sometimes I feel like a totally different person in a form of myself that just doesn’t feel… right. Sometimes it just feels rushed. Like I was rushed into being the person I am today and while I am so grateful for my purpose and what kind of growth has happened in me in almost a year.. it just doesn’t mean that I am still not allowed to feel what I am currently feeling. I had to completely change my life and parts of it that I wasn’t at all ready to change. In a way, my life was in every way going to change with or without my willingness to persevere through it and find my way and make it work, see my purpose in all of this. That was never supposed to be a cake walk. That was never supposed to just change and then OH here ya go, here is your new life, you have it all figured out. No, some days, some nights, like tonight, parts of me want to rewind time and crawl back into that person and snuggle the person I loved so freaking much and live our lives together.
It just doesn’t feel right sometimes. But, I guess that’s part of this healing journey I am on. Sometimes it isn’t pretty, it doesn’t make sense and sometimes it doesn’t feel right, but is it supposed to feel like that all the time?
Nope, it is not.
P.s. I almost put on a movie before writing this and I knew I had to put my fingers to this keyboard and let out my feelings in the form of my writing. So here you go, this is what I was thinking and feeling and now you get to read it.