It is Monday night and I couldn’t sleep, my mind races and I turn to write. I guess this is where my inside urge to just put my fingers to the keyboard and verbalize what it is I am feeling and experiencing.
My main focus with this blog was to share everything and anything with you guys. From the hard things to the really good things.
I would be lying if I said I was doing better.
Because the truth is, I don’t feel like I am doing all that well.
The one and ONLY important factor in my healing is GOD himself. Where and who would I be without putting my identity in HIM alone. He has got me.
The other important factors are the community I have around me, my friends who are more family to me than my actual blood family.
This last weekend did not end well for me and I noticed that something needed to be done about my grief and my trauma. I need to allow myself to face it more than I think I truly have.
I have been a little distracted, writing my book, hanging out with friends, going on hikes, everything but allowing myself to truly sit, alone, listen to some worship and just let my grief run where it may.
I am not here to say those things are bad or that I shouldn’t do them or let them be a way of healing because truthfully the thing is those are all my pieces of joy and happiness.
My happiness comes in so many forms.
My happiness is a morning cup of coffee on the back porch, my happiness is the smile on my sons face and the I love you’s from his sweet tender voice. My happiness is standing in church by myself in the crowd of people and letting every single word of worship fill me up and consume me. My happiness IS hiking and getting outside as it has been such a breath of fresh air and a simple reminder that life is still beautiful and worth living. My happiness is knowing that no matter what happens, what trials come my way and what things I have to face going forward I will ALWAYS know that I faced one of the HARDEST and most PAINFUL things anyone should ever have to face and knowing that brings me comfort and a kind of strength that I did not know I had in me. My happiness comes in the form of a beautiful sunset that I have to capture if I can. My happiness comes in the form of a game night with my best friends and laughing until we cry. My happiness comes from knowing that my sweet 1 year old pup was the biggest blessing at such a horrible time in life, that her being placed in our lives just to lose her other owner was Gods doing. He placed something else for us to love because he KNEW we would lose someone we love dearly. Only he knew that. My happiness comes from my relationship with God and knowing that he will always provide and he has great plans for me. This I am sure of.
My happiness comes in many forms and I continue to hold onto those.
My sadness comes in many forms too.
My sadness comes from remembering that almost a year ago I had a cute little townhome that we decorated together. My sadness comes from feeling like I don’t even know who I am anymore sometimes, I feel lost. My sadness comes from waking up and falling asleep knowing that the everyday life I shared with one person for 2 years just vanished and I didn’t get to say goodbye. I don’t get that closure and I never will and sometimes… sometimes that hurts. SO freaking much. I didn’t get one last I love you or one last goodbye. I wish I had. My goodbye was hugging a lifeless body while I sobbed and sobbed and that moment will haunt me forever. But at least I got that goodbye. My sadness comes from not being heard at times. It comes from feeling like I know exactly what I want for my life and then the other part of me is scared that no one would ever love someone who is still so broken and is on this giant rollercoaster filled with emotions that EB and flow daily.
This is my reminder and yours to not sell yourself short. To give yourself grace on a daily basis. You are doing the best you can and the most that you can. DO NOT do more or less. Take the moments of happiness and let them fill you up, also take the moments of sadness and the grief and the trauma and let it run it’s course. We can NEVER hype up our feel good emotions and not give the same attention to the ones that don’t feel so good. I don’t mean sit in it for so long that you are literally CHOOSING to still feel sad and lost and letting it literally either destroy relationships or make you detach from the world around you. I mean, if you need to cry cry, but if you start to feel a sliver of joy or the need to smile even while you are crying do so. This entire process is messy and it is not easy by any means. It sucks to say, but there are lots of people who will never fully understand it. I didn’t… not until it happened to me and now my capacity to love and to show compassion runs on a different wave length than others. It is unfortunate to say that we don’t realize some things in life until they happen to us and that is just the way life goes at times.
There has come a few too many times where I doubt where I am at and where I am headed. Then there are other times where I remind myself that this is my fresh start. I do not EVER have to move ON, but I always say I am moving FORWARD. There is no forgetting or moving on without the memory of Chris and there never will be. He will be an active playing memory and celebrating him for as long as we live. But, I second guess myself sometimes. Can I do this? I feel like I took a massive step back? I was forced into things after things happened and it was out of my control. I forget this A LOT. But now, I do have a choice. I have a choice to continue to keep growing, healing, changing, acknowledging, being aware of myself and my emotions, I have a choice in who I spend my valuable time with. I have a choice in making sure that ALL my boxes in my next relationship are checked, I have a choice in my presence and my peace. I have a choice in so many things and I have made lots of choices in almost a year that I may not of before. There are many things I allowed to be put on the back burner that I have now made a priority for ME. How neccesary it was for me to take back control of my life.
I know this is getting long, but I wanted to just talk to you guys. This was my whole intention with this. My raw, real, vulnerability side and just being so honest about where I am not. As cliché as it sounds and how over used it may be, I want you to REALLY read these words and let them really plug into you. I feel like it is so easy for some people to say things or not try to even fully understand what it means when we say ” Some days are harder than others” It is a part of life and we know this. We ALL know this. It doesn’t change how one persons pain is so different from someone else’s so be kind.
Yes, some days are harder than others. Some days I want to cry and scream into my pillow. Some days I want to get dressed up, take a cute selfie, sing to my favorite up beat music, have a killer workout ( that is everyday though no matter what ) and some days I want to pull over on the side of the road and re listen to the same sad song over and over again and really get in my feelings. The thing is, when ONE single thought of my life with Chris or that day crosses my mind in a different way it is almost like a seed is planted and I know a breakdown is coming. I know that from that moment that there will be many triggers and things that just remind me of him or us and our life. It is inevitable. This will happen, not just once or twice but for a really long time. THAT IS OKAY. If always chose to push it aside or to force myself to find joy and happiness in those moments I wouldn’t be as far as I have gotten in my healing. The whole reason I started this blog was because my writing has saved me time and time again. My writing and the way I express myself has allowed me to even understand MYSELF more as I continue to write, feel, express and let things flow. Which is why when I get going it is hard for me to stop.
I will end with this.
It is ALWAYS okay to let a bad day or a bad moment be just that. It will pass just the way happiness does. Remember JOY is constant but happiness comes and goes and that is okay. If we think of it that way more often we might stumble across it more often. But give yourself some grace because I sure am needing a whole lot of it lately.
I love you