You wanna know what the hardest part is about being a person who feels things with every single fiber in their body? That when you are on this cloud and wave of happiness and you can literally feel it in your cheek bones because you are filled with laughter and smiles and pure authenticity and a goodness. With that also means when you feel sad.. you or maybe this is just me. You feel a sense of not belonging, like everyone and everything around you makes sense but the little bubble you are in just doesn’t. It doesn’t make sense sometimes and that sadness you feel, the heavy weight as if the whole world is falling your shoulders.. it is so heavy and confusing.

But to love is to lose as well. Is that wrong to say? I don’t know but that has circled in my brain a lot lately. And I don’t mean lose someone to death when I say that, even though in my situation I have. I just mean to love, to feel, to grow, to prosper; we lose in that to sometimes and it’s okay. But damn, is it so hard. It is not easy.

To face and be sitting in with your emotions is NOT easy. There has been many times where the quietness and the stillness of life overwhelm me and am forced to sit and feel the feelings that may have been hidden away for the day or days at a time. We don’t always mean to or purposefully hide our feelings or mask them, but sometimes we do that unconsciously. For me, it’s leaving my friends after a night of laughter and smiles and realizing that I am no longer coming home to my best friend to fall asleep with, so the side of the road and some good worship music calls my name, just me the darkness and the stillness and Gods grace and love. Sometimes it’s me getting in a good workout only to realize after that I don’t have anyone to share that with anymore. There are so many things and it’s ok for me to feel the loss of those tiny factors but I can also promise myself and remind myself I will never settle for anything just to slightly have that feeling of being wanted and loved again.

I guess if I am being honest, don’t we all yearn to be loved and cherished? Don’t we all crave that special intimacy and bond? The best friend in a lover? You are lying if you say you don’t yearn for that. But, most people will settle. They accept what comes because they are afraid that’s all there is. As hard as it is for me sometimes realizing I lost my best friend and my love, the person I shared LIFE with, I will never get lonely enough that I will settle for anything less than what I NEED. I could say the word deserve but we also all deserve a love, the same kind of gentle, compassionate, willing, open, authentic love. If you aren’t working to be the things you want in someone else you will never attract what you desire.

I have done A LOT of self reflecting, I still fail at times and I don’t always get things right and sometimes I could be unconsciously blocking myself from a feeling that I NEED to feel.

I know we all feel lonely at times, like we maybe just don’t belong, we don’t feel worthy or accepted or enough. The many weeks and months that have passed since I lost chris and realizing just how much love I had for that man it almost feels surreal that I was able to love someone that much and that hard. God has his ways of opening our eyes to a different view of the world and things that he just knows we need. Sometimes it is so hard to accept that this love I want to give, God has a plan for that I know he does… . It is hard. My capacity to love and feel has amplified tremendously and with that also comes the way and the depth of those hard emotions I feel. They have depth, lots more than ever before. They have urgency. They have meaning and emotion behind emotion. Our emotions are so powerful and can either take us down or they can help guide us and teach us.

One thing that even my loved ones would say about me is that I say how I feel no matter what it might sound like to someone else, if there is two things in this world that we don’t use enough of….it is our VOICE and our EMOTIONS. Let your heart lead the way and listen to your gut ALWAYS. Use your voice, ask questions and get the answers. There has been so many times I have been afraid to speak up and I know now how important is to voice your feelings, your heart, your emotions, where you stand or don’t stand, speak up if something is bothering you, speak up if you don’t stand behind something. USE THE VOICE GOD GAVE YOU. If people aren’t hearing you your volume is too low babe. Turn it up and don’t be afraid to annoy people and disappoint people. This will happen, make sure your heart is always in a good place and you’re leading with kindness and love, compassion and grace.

Life just IS so hard you guys and sometimes I want to shut it all off. I would be lying if I said it was easy to FEEL and let it reside in me enough for me to grow from it, because truthfully I do want to mask it at times, it is freaking hard, and I feel so lost and out of place at times. Like I am constantly trying to find my footing and a place where I feel accepted most or loved more or where I seem more interesting.. blah blah blah. I am sure you can relate at times. But even though it is HARD to deal with that sometimes I am constantly reminded that I am ALWAYS loved by God. He’s got me. Always, and no matter how hard things get I know he’s listening and I know I can scream, cry and pray all at the same time and he will STILL hear me. Loud and clear. He is with me in the freefall.

You are a rarity, you are human and you carry an abundant of emotions that can either destroy you or you can let them teach you all through your life. You are never done growing, changing and learning. This is part of our life here. Remember this.

Remember that when things get uncomfortable and scary.. sometimes God wrecks your plans when he can see that your way and your plans are about to wreck YOU. Read that again and get more comfortable with getting uncomfortable.

Goodnight,

B.

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