Finding Color

I am just jumping right into it with this one because I have had a draft of this conversation in my notes on my phone for a minute and I have been waiting to share it and write on it a little bit more.

Sorry for being so M.I.A with you guys, life has been busy and while I am still writing, I am not making it something I feel I HAVE to do on a timely matter. Yes, I am still writing my book 🙂

Recently I have learned that you do NOT get happiness without some sadness, you don’t get some positivity without knowing and expecting some negativity ( some of these just aren’t avoidable ) you don’t get anger without joy, you don’t get smiles without some tears shed, you don’t get tougher without the screams and the urge to just LET IT OUT, you don’t get words without some silence. It all creates a much bigger picture and most people want the feel good, better moments but you just don’t get those without the other side of it all too. That is truly how grow to understand our EMOTIONS. That is how we grow, change and evolve as humans. We learn to better understand these emotions and our attitude and simply our entire being. There is no easy way out, there is no permenantly hiding anything or avoiding anything either. There is triggers in life, there is reasoning, we don’t feel these emotions for nothing, God has created us to be who we are. Sometimes it may take longer and different events in life for us to figure it out. I am finally on a road rot figuring it out and it never stops. That is ok with me 🙂

I have learned more about myself in the last year than ever before. For the first time, I truly feel like the version of myself I have always wanted to be. 1000% compassionate, kind, gentle, caring, loving, supportive, a listener, involved, present, ambitious, driven, loyal, 110% sure of who she is with no doubt that God has had everything to do with it. I believe I am starting to see his plan for me and its been unfolding for months now and I have just been able to see it ever so clearly. You guys who have been reading and following along know that I was attending a women’s bible study earlier this year and it was exactly the community of Godly women that I needed and where God placed me to be. I was attending a young adults group where I met some amazing younger adults and found a community there as well. I got baptized in the beginning of this year for the first time. I have dedicated my mornings to spending those first moments with the Lord, just him and i. In prayer, in the word, in a quiet present moment. I have learned that My faith is what has seen me through time and time again. No matter what happens in this life, I will always know …

GODS GOT THIS.

I have learned that the more I get outside and explore, adventure, get lost in nature.. that it is a huge part of my healing and a way for me to see Gods beautiful earth, this magnificent world he created. Just to appreciate it because it is so under explored and under appreciated. We can get so wrapped up in the day to day life with our busy schedules and for me it is always go, go, go.. but I have learned that if I want to experience that peace I long for, that I have found and held near and dear to my heart, it is that I need to make sure that I am taking a moment to pause and remember that I have to allow the space for my own personal peace and what that looks like to me because of it being a huge part in my healing. When all I thought was that my life was going to be filled with just the pain and desperation, I found solace and beauty, I found the color when getting outside and see the world and it quickly became this beautiful thing to me. That seeing what I have to seeing the world for the big, beautiful and truly amazing place that it is, I was able to live outside of my grief for a bit. Not forget, just remember that my life is not all about the grief and I am allowed to smile through the pain, I am allowed to see the light in the midst of the darkness. The grief has still been there at times ( it has come and hit a lot less hard the more we move forward ) but for split moments and even still I get those constant reminders when I am in nature and exploring that life CAN STILL BE beautiful and COLORFUL. God did not intend for us to just sit back on the beauty of life. He did not create us to live alone, to be alone, to experience alone, to not be able to be the vulnerable and compassionate humans that only a few of us are. God IS love. I thrive off being vulnerable, open, kind. I thrive off connection and bond.

We are not meant to do life alone you guys, we are all better together.

While I have learned so much about myself this past year I also learned that it is so very important to SHARE YOUR STORY. BE ABOUT IT. You can not change a single thing but you can definitely change how you react to whatever God throws your way. I try really hard to remember that if something doesn’t go the way I wanted it t, it is because God has a bigger and better plan for me and I have found so much peace in that friends. God does great and big things. So I am encouraging you to think about a time or even now if you have something that YOU have planned or wrote down or whatever it may be… God has his plan and his plan moves on in and shoves yours off the table. Like ” Alright son scratch yours, I have got a better plan” Picture that. Honestly it gives me so much peace and reassurance.

God is way too good and he has never forsaken us and when things feel like they seem like they are falling apart or keep going wrong, just remember that God sometimes wrecks our plans and takes us on a detour in order to bring us closer to what he has for us.

I love you all,

Beautifully made new. 🙂

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