Yesterday could have felt harder for me but I decided to shift my mental, I decided to fix my eyes on Jesus and know that no matter what I am loved and God has bigger and more beautiful plans for my life.
I talk about being vulnerable and raw in this blog and my full intention is to be just that. Not always share the more personal details but I feel like this may be something some can relate to and I would be doing the opposite of what my intentions were when I decided to write to the world, or the the few that actually read what I have too say. So here it is.
It has been a very long time coming but the father of my child decided to file against me in hopes to actually get our child full time, up until his girlfriend talked a tiny bit of sense into him and just wanted sole. Well yesterday we had our court date via Webex and he won sole, which just means he is able to make major decisions but our parenting time and stuff all stays the same. Not going to lie it stung and I was super confused and for many reasons which I will get into in a second. The judge did state that it was a super close call while taking a deep breath to tell us WHY she chose him to be sole.
The entire time was a bag against me and what I personally do on my time with or without our son. The whole time he lied about multiple things and photos he took were just a way for him to make himself look better. Things that he knows in his heart that aren’t something I would EVER do. For example, he is a boy a 6 year old boy who gets bumps and scratches. He once jumped off a trampoline because he wanted to be like superman ( at the time a 4 year olds words ) so yes he is a boy who gets hurt. But, the worse part was that his other parent wanted to turn that into a “these markings happened on moms time and here they are” as if they didn’t happen from a clumsy boy but happened from another human. That was just ONE of the many things that was brought to my attention, that really hurt. Deeply you guys. That stung.
I know this is very raw and vulnerable but I know I am not alone with situations like this one. Please be kind and gentle when reading and wanting to email me. This was hard enough to write and share but I felt the need to write especially after all I have thought and felt after hearing the news.
I was really upset, I cried for sure. I was very angry but only for like 5 minutes. I didn’t stay in that place and I knew I couldn’t. it would not have done me any good.
Normally something like this could strip away and rob me of my joy and happiness but it did not.
I didn’t LOOSE my child, nothing changed at all, just that one part of his dad being the primary person to make all big choices. Unfortunately I don’t feel it is fair but there is nothing I can do. I in a way threw up my hands and reminded myself “Gods got this”. Once again, and ALWAYS. Gods got this.
Last week I attended a women’s night at church where we were listening to a guest speaker on the “Discerning voice of God” and one of the things I gathered from that night were, when I am praying and talking to God, am I asking him “What is it you want me to know Lord, what are you trying to tell me?” And am I truly listening. So yesterday and this morning I asked, “Lord what is it that you want me to KNOW about this situation, what is it you are trying to tell me?” Am I always going to get what I want when I pray for things, no we don’t, because sometimes God has better and more beautiful plans for things and our life and situations. I truly believe that.
My sons father, sadly has always been a bitter man. He walks around with a lot of hate in his heart, no idea how to forgive or love, show humbleness and gratitude or kindness, he is just angry and has a very cold heart. So as hard as it is to pray FOR people like that, that we don’t necessarily like we HAVE to. You HAVE to and it is NOT easy by any means. But God loves me and he also loves him. We are loved and forgiven and free of doubt and fear and burdens and I have completely chosen to surrender that all to him because it is such a heavy thing to carry with me day to day.
I have obtained a peace and joy that can’t be stripped away or robbed of me. Yesterday could have potentially hindered me from all the growth I have worked so hard to continue to work with. I have grown so much and matured in my spiritual and my relationships, my desire to be a women of God. I am proud of that, I am so JOYFUL that in these hard moments and situations that would normally destroy someone and leave me angry at the world that I have completely chosen to smile and know that “God you have other plans and I trust you, I am faithful in my walk with you that whatever you choose to orchestrate in my life that it will be because YOU alone know its what is best” There is so much peace in that and I am happy to of finally be in this place where the hardest thing could hinder me but I don’t allow it too. I allow God to work with that thing and USE me as a beacon of hope, a beacon for his truth and his promise. Isn’t that just so incredible to know we are truly walking around with the fruit of the spirit inside of us? To know that after this life here on earth which is temporary, we are truly HOME. So every single day I wake up I CHOOSE to be that beacon for the Lord, I CHOOSE to share of his goodness and what it has done for me because it needs to be told and shared, wrote about, verbally spoken upon.
When I hear others stories of Gods goodness in their lives it only bolsters my faith, it is so beautiful to hear of his good works in our lives because it is constant you guys and it is ALWAYS happening and I want to listen closely and fix my eyes on him not of this world.
” I am a child of God, I am chosen and I am who you say I am, you are for me.”
I am so thankful that while this didn’t go my way, I didn’t resort to bitterness and anger or let this destroy me. I let this be used for good, I didn’t lose anything, but I will always be the women that is humble, caring, so in love with Jesus, so eager to grow in many and mighty ways, gracious and bold, determined and respectful and full of joy and life so that when my child is old enough he can SEE what momma has done to get where she is. I will always be his light, he will learn from me. He will know he is loved and what is right and honorable, what is true and whole. My eyes are not fixed on the temporary things of this world but for the everlasting LIFE we have in heaven one day, THAT is our destination and I do not fear that arrival. I want to always speak life into my son, and future children, show what it means and what it LOOKS like to walk a life following Jesus and always trying to love like he loves us. I will fail, we will fail but I am trying and I will continue to always fight for that because THAT is what is important.
Thanks for reading if you have read this far and for supporting this journey with my vulnerability.