Ya know when you feel like you just need a break?
Yeah me too.
I haven’t written a blog post In a minute, I know. But in other news…. I am writing a freaking book ya’ll! This is partly why I have not posted in about 2 weeks. Take it, that is really not that long but to me it feels like I have a crowd now that follows and reads and I just haven’t given you guys anything to read. But, I won’t apologize for that only because life is simply just life and it moves at different speeds and my energy goes to different things.
Everyday I am figuring out what works best for me, where I’m supposed to truly be and what brings my heart true joy.
I got my heartbroken about a month ago, or more now give or take and it was not so much that I felt like it was broken but more of what was said, the promises made and the WORDS used that broke my heart. If I’m being honest I KNEW it was coming and part of me was almost ok with it, because it was one of those “is this too good to be true moments” Yeah it was one of those. But I am also not mad about it, not angry, not hurt anymore. I was for a moment there and for different reasons but I truly felt like it was supposed to be exactly what it was, temporary and for what? I have my ideas and maybe one day I will have that moment where I say.. “ok I hear you lord, I see what you’ve done” So it’s a good thing. Don’t feel sorry for me or message me and ask questions. It was good while it lasted and it was exciting but it felt more like a really good friendship than someone I could see myself marrying one day. I had my own thoughts lingering in the back of my head about this BUT I got to experience a wonderful human from it and I am grateful for that. He just wasn’t MY person, my human. I know that.
If I look at the chances I have had in front of me to maybe be in relationships or not, I have chosen love. I have chosen to open myself up more than others. No, I am not lonely, I don’t NEED someone to feel happy. I have been thriving all on my own, I have finally figured out who I am, where I want to be and HOW I want to be loved if that time comes. I also have not shut myself off from it. Look at it this way, everyone is different, I am different. But, in no way does that make me a bad person or makes me less sure of myself and who I am when I am alone and most definitely does not make me desperate. No one has said this, but I know people well enough to know that this conversation and how I choose to go about my own life is a topic of conversation and the only reason I feel the need to address it is because I am.. ok. It is ok for people to have their opinions, because they are just that. Opinions. You are the only one living your life, you are the only one who gets to look through your manual of life and choose your chapters, how you want them to start and end. This is why over the course of this year alone, I stopped caring so much. It drained me, it left me to feel like I had to make choices and decisions based off other peoples input and opinions. It is one thing for someone to suggest something when you are in conversation but it is another to allow someone to give their inputs as if you HAVE to take it. No babe, you do not. Live life on your terms. There is and will always be a healthy balance with that. I know one things for sure, my best friend KNOWS how things will pan out before I do, and she has been right about almost everything every. single. time. I am so grateful for that. I should probably learn to listen to her more often than my own self… She’d laugh at this last sentence. If I would listen to anyone or take anything from someone who might have a good input it is her. She knows and has known, more than myself.
I have done a damn good job with curating my own life, being the master of writing my own story and following what God has to clearly laid out in front of me. Does it mean it’s been easy? Absolutely not. It has and will always be difficult, much like a rollercoaster. It has up its ups and downs, it’s bends and corners, it’s start and end, it has it’s highs and lows, it has some hard freaking winds that blow through like the wind blows in your face on a ride, it has the moment where you feel like you are dizzy after the ride and thinking ” What in the heck happened? How did I get through that?” Much like a rollercoaster. I say that and use that because I was just in 6 flags in may and it truly feels that way. As I was riding a ride I thought about the analogy of life and the ride and how similar it is. Think about it that way, you might be more at ease with the chaos of life and more willing to understand things and yourself if you just let it be there. Honestly, just more okay with life not always being what you want or picture it to be and more ok with YOUR own plans not panning out. I am more okay now with life just being life and me not having so much stress and anxiety over things not working out the way I wanted them to. Something better is always around the corner, maybe not always better but always what YOU need. God knows. Even when you do not, he does. Have some calmness in that, some patience.
Life is funny. You fall down and you pick back up. You get your heart broken sometimes, and then it passes and you feel as if you never even felt the heartache or wonder why you let it affect you so much. It is so weird how we get through things in life… So weird. But, we do and it is good to take a step back, look and remember that WE IN FACT DO get past everything in life and some might ignore what is has done and some, like myself, will acknowledge it all and use it. This has created me to be the version of me I am meant to be.
For the first time in my whole entire life, I feel like I can stand up for myself when needed, I can say NO. I am always a yeser kind of person, don’t @ me for using that term and knowing it is not a word. It is a word now, ok? ok. Cool.
I am now more willing and able and OKAY with saying the word NO.
No this does not work for me, no I don’t want to or I can’t do that, No I will not be available.
Where as in the past I would have always said yes because I hate confrontation or being a burden to people, I hate that I was so much of a people pleaser that the things I needed to do for myself always got pushed on the back burner and I caught myself saying, ” I don’t have time..” I did have time I was just using it all wrong.
There really was not point to this post, it was just to hop back on here and remind you all that I am not obligated, YOU are not obligated to do anything other than take care of yourself. That is what you are supposed to do and that is what I have been doing. I have been living my best life, truly happy and thriving. Smiling and doing all the things that make me, ME and bring me true joy and all the while I am seeing my favorite people more. I have come up with a damn good balance for my life that allows me to get all I need to do be done, see my friends and family, go on hikes, be a good and present mom, eat good and healthy, still workout 6 times a week and STILL be able to say ya know what…. I am writing the damn book. I am doing the damn thing you guys.
So please, don’t wear yourself thin. Don’t make excuses and don’t allow yourself to believe the words “I don’t have time.” Most of the time you do, you just don’t balance it out well enough and nothing has to be taken away unless it is no longer serving you and this is what I did. What did not serve me did not stay in my life, what was draining my battery was GONE. I made that choice and I’m damn proud that I did, I am a much happier bre for doing so.
Love you all, thanks for reading this no direction blog post and always showing me love and support.
Until next week friends. 🙂