Timing is nothing but it is also everything

Let me start of by asking you a few things, what is timing to YOU? Does it hold great value? Does it even mean anything at all to you? What is it?

For me, personally, I feel like there is a certain stigma or conversations with people based around what is considered a “good” time for something. But that only comes from other peoples judgments, their assumptions or what they only see 10% right? For instance, I’ve heard someone say.. “Why does she look so happy? How is she not sad anymore? How can be so lively.. it’s only been 6 months?” From the outside you see ONLY 10% if not less than that.

Let’s talk about this.

I will say, I just don’t care too much about the assumptions or judgments because I am more joyful. I am living my life. I am making a hell of a lot of progress in a short time and guess what? I will give SO MUCH PRAISE to our God for that because let me tell you what… this momma would NOT have made it this far without him, without my community in church, the wonderful friends I have in my life that are basically my family. My family. My child. I did not do this alone.

I will be the first to say, how you decide to grieve and process certain emotions, how you decided to put one foot in front of the other after ANYTHING that may feel defeating, a loss or a hardship of any kind. That is you. You decide what road to follow and that road will never be the straight and narrow. It will have bumps, pot holes, round abouts and some construction. Your life is always in the hands of the Lord and it is not always easy to walk by faith, that is a choice even when you feel like all hope is lost. Faith plays the biggest role.

Where is your faith?

What are you praying for?

How are you navigating THAT thing?

This is MY growth, MY grief, MY trauma, MY walk with the lord. It is all going to look different for everyone.

Sometimes, the so called “good timing” people think is wrong or right might not always be ideal, might not always look good to THEM, it might not always make sense to THEM, you will most definitely receive some opinions and those are acceptable. But, don’t let someones opinion dictate how you choose to move. You have YOUR opinions and your own thought process for a reason. You are YOU for a reason, cliché I know..

I was sitting in church today and our pastor had mentioned something regarding prayer, what is a prayer you have prayed and God has answered? or has he not answered yet and you have given up on whether or not he is even listening? Have you prayed for that thing once or twice or has it been a constant prayer? Have you given up on a prayer or maybe it has been answered and you just forgot to take a closer look and thank him for it? Because this was me today. I forgot about mine, truthfully I prayed for it one time.. but it was intense, it was emotional and I was vulnerable in asking complete strangers to sit and pray for us at the time.

In summer 2019 my best friend and I had gone to another church together, both of us having some major issues in our relationships. We just remember walking up to the individuals offering prayer and crying and praying with them. We were in similar situations with no one else to cling to but each other and the Lord. As we did, I remember we really didn’t talk about that prayer time again, like ever. We simply just moved forward and dealt with the same stuff for a while longer. Good days here and there but still allowing the darkness of our situations to take ahold without truly walking with the Lord in it and constantly praying about it.

Fast forward to this morning, sitting in church next to my best friend, on April 25th 2021 and our pastor asks us, “What is a prayer that God has answered? Did he deliver? Did he show up?” We both looked at one another and just smiled.

He indeed answered our prayer.

This was not on my timing, this was not on her timing, this was not on the timing of the people who prayed for us, this was on GODS timing alone. For HE knew the plans he had for us, HE knew what was going to unfold and this is exactly where our faith came into play. We trust in him, we continue to pray, to have faith, lean in closer to the promises of his word, to share the good news, to be his church. He is ALWAYS on your side. He ALWAYS has you, and maybe it isn’t what you want it to look like but let me tell you what, God has a beautiful story that is your life. Your life has a purpose.

Please, do NOT base your life around the so called “perfect timing” or listening when someone says ” Is that too soon?” “Are you sure this is the right time?” “What if” If it feels right, let it flow. If you feel joy, walk in that. If you are not being fulfilled, change something. Timing is everything and it is nothing all at the same time. You could potentially miss out on SO much by basing too much off the “right timing” Or giving yourself a ridiculous timeline for anything. Sometimes things just gotta flow!

I wasn’t going to use this as an example but I think I just might because it seems fitting..

I am obviously seeing someone new and most people know this and some probably don’t like it, some might not approve of the so called “timing” of either the relationship or the direction the relationship is moving. Whatever it may be. But, in this situation I am following my heart, I am going with the flow and walking in my faith with this one. The reason I am using this as an example is because I feel like there is this un necessary stigma around the TIMING that I am supposed to mourn, grieve or be sad after everything. “Is this a good time for you to be in a relationship? It’s only been however many months? How can you love someone new so soon? There are probably a million different questions people have asked or things said that create this bad image around MY LIFE and how I choose to move forward. There is reason I say timing is everything and it is nothing. Because, if I were to put myself in a box and say “ Okay, 2 years from now is a good time to get back out there” “1 year from now I will start working out at our gym again, that should be enough time to not be sad when I walk in there right?” “Years from now.. I can have more kids right? This is a good time?” How silly does that sound? I realized that I would miss out on a lot of amazing things by confining myself in this box or in this mindset where I’m constantly questioning when the right time is, or when I will be truly ready for something. Moving forward I have decided to just follow my gut. How are you TRULY feeling?

This is my time to rebuild, restructure and focus on what is important to me, what I FEEL in my heart, where my SOUL and GOD are leading me to.

I encourage you to pray that prayer, keep praying for that very thing. I promise no prayer goes unanswered. No conversation with the lord goes unheard. It might be a week from now, it might be a year from now. We don’t know, but what I do know is God always has a plan. His plan is better than your plan and my plan.

Reassurance, grace, hope and utter despair.

The day this sweet man left this earth I felt an over abundance of different feelings. Some of these I did not expect to feel so suddenly.

I did not expect to feel safe, reassured or even hope in the midst of this but I did and it was very confusing and questionable to me. But even feeling like I was questioning why I was feeling a sense of security, I knew this was God holding my hand and telling me, “My daughter, I am here, I will be here, you WILL get through this, feel that.” I always assumed that when something so tragic happens that most people go through all the BAD motions. Ya know, the ones that leave you wanting to stay in bed for all hours of the day, not eating or eating a lot. Not getting up and choosing to still live life. Pushing everyone away that only wanted to be there for them. Unfortunately life DOES still move forward and while you feel like your stuck in this quicksand like place and you literally can’t move your feet even an inch forward.. you KNOW life still moves on.I sometimes felt like I was in this giant bubble walking around with this heavy thing that most didn’t know about and I did not know how to speak to strangers at times. But there are lots of people who choose to stay stuck because it is easier than fighting to feel better. I wanted to do this but I did not.

I could not relate to that feeling because even in my pain I still felt the urge to push on and FEEl everything as it rushed over me like a giant wave in the ocean.

I remember that very moment where I dropped my phone after answering my call to my best friend and screaming.. I remember falling to my knees, grabbing onto the wall where the front door would shut and I was just screaming. I remember someone grabbed me and moved me out on our front porch while I was screaming and crying out and holding me while I rocked back and forth, while I was hitting the ground screaming and yelling the words “NO” over and over and over again… I remember this so vividly because I did this multiple times after the initial moment. I did this for weeks and while it happened less and less, it felt more painful as time went on. I remember trying to go to our gym for the first time I think 2 or 3 weeks after.. I don’t remember a time frame because those days just blurred together. I ended up walking in and basically walking out. I could not do it. I then left, sat and cried in my car once again and yelling “NO”. I truly felt like “what am I supposed to do without you?” “How am I supposed to continue on when we were right in the middle of building our LIFE together?” “Why did you do this?” “Why didn’t I come home soon enough?”

“Grief is like the ocean.. it is deep and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love.”

As odd as this is going to sound.. remembering all that I felt at that very moment and even then on. I felt HOPE. I felt GRACE. I felt SAFE. Weird right? How did I feel those things after something so tragic? Because God had me. That is not something I knew.. this was something I felt in that very moment when I dropped to my knees and screamed, where I could not believe that this was now what I was going to navigate through. That my future waters were continuously going to be rough, rocky, filled with every emotion you could possibly think of. And It was. But I FELT Gods presence within me and around me. I can’t even really explain it but I can give you an idea.

I used the metaphor “breadcrumbs” for many reasons.

When I started my counseling sessions and I started to write I remember using that metaphor a lot. I kept saying how I SAW God and Chris leaving me breadcrumbs. In my dreams, in people, in life, in weird coincidences or relations from others. There was so many and there is STILL so many. I brought this up to my counselor and she was in awe of my determination to use this as a way to speak to people, she was in awe that I had used that term to recognize some GOOD instead of continuing to focus on what I can not change. She also ended up being a writer and navigating difficult waters in HER life at around my same age and she and I were able to relate on some levels. I had come so far in such a short time and I think part of that was I did not want this to define me in all the wrong ways. I did not want this to destroy my life and diminish the person that I was and wanted to be. I wanted to shine a light on his life after he left this earth. I wanted to do right by him and honor him, I wanted to continue to share my pain and the strength and growth that came with navigating this season in my life. It hasn’t been easy but it has been worth the fight. It was a fight, I won’t lie to you about that.. It was a battle and a daily one. There were so many moments where I did want to lay in bed and my pain felt so strong on some days, the desperation, the loss felt so heavy, his absence was excruciating at times. I would wake up and mornings were the worst for me for a while. I honestly questioned how I was going to make it out of this season, how was I going to get through this? Well, somehow I am STILL getting through it. There is not a single day that goes by that I don’t think about him, how much I loved him and how I was willing to go to the ends the earth just to live a life with this man. My person. But, God had other plans and If anything I am happy to know he is truly home with the Lord.

Grief is not easy. The trauma was not easy, I still deal with that and while it may be seldom, it is still there. You don’t just pick up one day and all of a sudden you are fine, everything’s back to normal. I chose to wake up everyday remembering that I still have a life to live, I still have to be the best momma I can be to my boy, I still have to work, I still have to show up for my life. It does not mean I am 100% back to “normal” or “happy”. I have put in the effort, I am not choosing to scrape by and “make it to another day” I am always embracing this life that I still get to live. One thing my counselor switched on me was using the word HAPPY. I felt JOY. She noticed after hearing me speak and share that I was feeling JOY. Joy is permanent. Happiness comes and goes, it is NOT permanent and that is OK. Life can be so beautiful, it can still be appreciated, it can still be joyful and your life IS an abundant blessing.

This one horrific tragedy was not a definition of my days to come, I knew that and it was up to me which road I chose to take moving forward. That road was going to have blocks, pot holes and lots of construction but it was going to end up being a beautiful masterpiece ahead. This was not going to define me. It is apart of who I am and in this it has created a story behind the person I have become and it is worth sharing. It is worth bringing to life.

GRACE.

Grace was so hard to give myself when I didn’t feel worthy of it. I promised myself that I would invest in ME, in my growth, in my healing, in my need to want to prosper in this season and I did not do it alone. I was continuing to receive grace from so many of my friends, family, my church community. I was constantly reminded that it was OK for me to have a breakdown because it was what needed to happen and to allow myself the GRACE to let it be, let it flow, let it wash over me and really FEEL what was happening. I never allowed myself to shut off those unwanted feelings and emotions. I did not mask it, burry it or try to forget about it. If I FELT like I was about have one of those moments, I just let it happen. I still let them happen because I know it is all part of the process. I have to allow myself the patience and grace to walk through this hard place because this is how I have healed and grown and learned. I am still learning and recognizing things I never expected I would have to. This doesn’t just stop one day, just because you see a smile or a laugh.. what you see isn’t always the clearest picture. It is a ray of light and only few know that there Is a lot more behind the door of my grief. It is ever-changing, the grief is ebbing and flowing. Sometimes it is calm and sometimes it is overwhelming. I am always learning to swim in it.

REASSURANCE was a beautiful thing to feel and it made me feel safe.

I felt this so strongly, I felt this every single day. God was ALWAYS and is STILL reassuring me that no matter what, HE HAS GOT ME. I am SAFE with him. I surrounded myself with the church, the community of women within our church. I knew this was where I was supposed to be. I knew that this would save me in ways God was showing me it would. I felt led. I felt urged. I felt saved. I felt safe. How was I able to feel all that while I had just walked in on the person I was building life with for the last two years just gone in one single moment. I was honestly in awe of MYSELF. I was in shock and somewhat proud of myself for not letting this completely destroy me and my life. If anything I wanted to push on for Chris as well. I wanted to live this life, live a life he so desperately wanted to live with me and honor him in ways he deserved. I KNOW he would’ve wanted me to continue to live, to find love again, to smile and laugh with friends and family, to continue to push forward for the dreams and aspirations I have in my heart. He encouraged me to do the things that were set upon my heart. He knew I was constantly eager to learn new things, read a new book either together or apart, he knew I had these ideas for the things I wanted and I just wanted to share all of it with him. I may not be able to audibly hear him when I do share things with him still but I know he’s listening and I know I am reassured that what I am doing, how I am pushing on, the choices I’ve made to continue to live this life while not allowing the grief and trauma to drag me down.. I am reassured by God and by Chris. I know Chris has his hand in my life. I know he would just want to see me smile again, to love life. And I am.

I will forever honor him by living this life with a grateful heart, appreciating everything life has to offer and continuing to share what is in my heart because this has what has created these relationships I hold so close to my heart. THIS is what God has set upon me.

I am forever grateful for the love I am receiving from everyone who is either reading, sharing or commenting. I would love for you guys to reach out, email me, share with me. It does not have to be publicly. I want to know what’s in your hearts, how are you getting through a hard season in life? How are you naviagting difficult waters.

You are loved. Your words matter.

You are BEAUTIFULLY MADE NEW

The Love and the loss.

This word is one I never thought I would have to say.. but now I live with saying the word often..

I lost my person, I lost my best friend, I lost the person I shared everyday life.. gone, in one single moment.

Christopher and I met in October 2018 and 3 months later we moved into our first home together, our tiny townhome that was connected to the side where my best friend lived so we had it made being so close to her and the kids. It was a giant family. We had Rylan, my 5 year old boy and Chris had his son, Cannon, who was also 5. The two boys quickly became brothers and friends and I loved our little family and what we were building. Christopher always struggled with feeling like enough for us, always felt like he was failing in some way and that if a tiny ray of light shined through the windows of our life something would take It away, almost immediately, and he would then think his life was determined to always be as difficult as whatever thing was getting in the way of the life we wanted. I have always been someone who has seen the brighter side to life, even in spite of hardship, take it I haven’t always had the best attitude about things or to people ( I am working on patience ) but I have always known that no matter what “I’ll be okay”. Christopher and I fell head over heels instantly for each other, we would sit in the back of my car and talk for hours just getting to know each other and it quickly turned into a deep love.

Christopher had personal struggles prior to us getting together and that’s the place I met him in. Right in the middle of a big life change for him. It was not easy and it had moments of true test, but I always knew that I loved him more than whatever struggle came our way, I loved him for who he really was, not what he thought his struggles defined him as. I saw him in a different light than he saw himself and that’s why we always fought so hard to keep going. I just wanted to be his biggest supporter. He was a beautiful human, he always did everything for everyone he loved. He was the kind of guy who would answer any phone call, any text, drop what he was doing to help a friend. He wore himself thin a lot of the time and I knew why he did some that. It was almost an escape from his own struggles and issues and he felt better helping others, which was never a bad thing. He just forgot to take care of himself too. I always tried to remind him that HE mattered to. He knew what I was saying. He was selfless in his TRUE self, not what evil told him he was. His mind got the best of him a lot of the time, I only wish he saw what I saw. His mind, the evil, the lies that evil told him, took him away forever.

October 16th came and went like a flash of light, but those first 2 days felt like eternity.. it was a hard week for him. He had given up on life and I could see it, I could feel it. He pushed me away, many times. I knew why. It was a beautiful Friday, we had our brand new puppy and she adored him and he tried to disconnect with her for obvious reasons. I was getting ready for work, I was upset for how he was pushing me away, I was angry and hurt and at a loss. I found one big letter he wrote to his family, his son, me… I reached out to 3 people that day. I called non emergency, I reached out to teen challenge to have one of the guys come check on him, I reached out to his friend. One person came to see him the day before, his best friend drove 2 1/2 hours to check on him and to just drive home that very night. Thursday night. Friday came… I remember leaving to work in a hurry, upset and angry that he had pushed me away all week, turned everyone away, he told me he would leave if I had one more person call to talk to him and at the time I did not want to risk him leaving and not being able to find him again. So I left it alone but I was upset. I just wanted him to accept help. I just wanted him to know he was loved and ALL week I did. I kept sitting down next to him on the couch and I just kept repeating myself, ” I love you Christopher, I am here for you.” One day that week before work I wrote him a little love letter and brought him a drink because he knew most of the time the easiest way for me to get anything across was through my writing so I always wrote him letters.

He put my love letter next to his goodbye letter and I saw the two sitting on the coffee table when I walked in that Friday afternoon before I found him.

I came home and the love of my life was just gone. I walked in and I screamed as loud as I could, for a few moments I could not cry, I just screamed and then the tears flowed. It wasn’t a normal cry, it was a normal scream. I had let out sounds that no human should ever let out of their bodies.. I was in shock and I was in agony.. My best friend came home RIGHT as I walked in and found him. She is forever connected to this tragedy with me in the most personal way and I am forever grateful that God had her there with me through something like that. A few hours passed and I got up to use the bathroom and I felt like someone had beat me up, I felt so weak and tired and sore to the touch. I had so many people hugging me, holding me, telling me to drink water, to sit up, to eat something, to talk. All I could do for weeks was cry, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t be In my own home anymore, I couldn’t be alone even to shower, I couldn’t be alone in any way. I truly felt like that was it. I was broken, I knew God would take care of me but in some moments the pain was SO deep and SO painful I felt like I could’ve easily been taken away in my own pain. I could’ve let that take me away. I didn’t just cry, I yelled out in agony, in desperation, begging for answers I would never get, begging for Christopher to send me a sign of some kind, begging for God to tell me WHY, WHY, WHY? Many times, many places, many drives I just sobbed and sobbed.

I started to write a week after he left this earth, I turned my pain into words and in a way it helped the healing process move along, I found out that my writing would save me. Like I have said, I am a writer, no matter what it is, in whatever way, I can write. I quickly found my why in writing once again. My need to write, what it did for me, what I had to share. I have always been able to share a little more than most people. I thought, why not? This may not be ideal, some people might not understand why I chose to write about this but, in my mind I feel like there isn’t enough out there being shared, talked about, viewed, commented on, on suicide and whatever surrounds it. Loss. Suicide. Mental health. I quickly found out just how huge it really is, how there is probably more people than you would like to think that have considered such a thing. It breaks my heart into a million pieces that some people feel so unworthy and useless that they think that is a better option. We are NOT better off without you. SOMEONE loves you. YOU matter. YOU are adored and your life holds meaning. Your mental health is so freaking important.

I know that was longer than I anticipated, a little off track in some areas but my idea for this first post was to share my initial direction because of what I have experienced. I have had SO many people reach out to me personally to say thanks for what and how I have shared through the darkest part of my life. How I have turned something so devastating and ugly into beautiful words and shining a brighter light on Chris’s life because that man deserves to be remembered for who he really was and the man I loved endlessly. He was way more than his struggles and his addictions. I hope me being vulnerable and so open leads you guys to not be just that. A little more open and a little more vulnerable.

There is a time to be private and there is a time to be open. I KNOW this is what I’m supposed to be doing, what I’m supposed to be sharing because I know its reaching someone. If that is you, let me know. I would love to connect, talk, pray for you, love on you, share with you, listen to you.

I am here, not just to post and write but to be the extended heart you might need.

National suicide hotline number 800-273-8255 HELP IS AVAILABLE!

Hi all, Bre here

I hope this reaches someone, I hope SOMEONE is better for reading my words.

Let me tell you my WHY, let me break it all down for you!

Why am I doing this?

  • Because I personally know what it feels like to read or listen to the words we can’t write or say ourselves. I reaching YOU.
  • Because mental health, suicide, grief, trauma, our own mind.. our ability to be so closed off we forget that we aren’t meant to do life alone. It is all so important to me.

Let’s take a closer look at my why’s.

  • I am blogging because writing privately isn’t enough for me, I realized I have a lot to say and people are responding, this is a bigger broader platform for you all to come to and read what I have to share.
  • I am going to do something fun and different here and there but, most of all this is a space where I share MY own walk through trauma, grief, strength, loss, mental health.
  • I honestly just want to reach anyone I can, I want to be reached out to, I want to hear if anything helped spark a different emotion in you. I want to hear feedback and chat with you. I am not here for just posts. I want to talk to you guys. I want to hear what is in your hearts.
  • I have zero expectations for how far this will go, I just care about sharing the deepest parts of my heart with you guys as my promise to be real and raw and share the love.

I am blessed to be able to start this, I am so excited to see this take off, to see who this reaches, to TALK to you guys. Please don’t hesitate to reach out, share ideas, ask questions, comment your thoughts. I want activity on my blog and I want this to be a safe place for everyone to come. I can’t wait to meet the ones who flock to my blog and support it. Love you all 🙂