I am just jumping right into it with this one because I have had a draft of this conversation in my notes on my phone for a minute and I have been waiting to share it and write on it a little bit more.
Sorry for being so M.I.A with you guys, life has been busy and while I am still writing, I am not making it something I feel I HAVE to do on a timely matter. Yes, I am still writing my book 🙂
Recently I have learned that you do NOT get happiness without some sadness, you don’t get some positivity without knowing and expecting some negativity ( some of these just aren’t avoidable ) you don’t get anger without joy, you don’t get smiles without some tears shed, you don’t get tougher without the screams and the urge to just LET IT OUT, you don’t get words without some silence. It all creates a much bigger picture and most people want the feel good, better moments but you just don’t get those without the other side of it all too. That is truly how grow to understand our EMOTIONS. That is how we grow, change and evolve as humans. We learn to better understand these emotions and our attitude and simply our entire being. There is no easy way out, there is no permenantly hiding anything or avoiding anything either. There is triggers in life, there is reasoning, we don’t feel these emotions for nothing, God has created us to be who we are. Sometimes it may take longer and different events in life for us to figure it out. I am finally on a road rot figuring it out and it never stops. That is ok with me 🙂
I have learned more about myself in the last year than ever before. For the first time, I truly feel like the version of myself I have always wanted to be. 1000% compassionate, kind, gentle, caring, loving, supportive, a listener, involved, present, ambitious, driven, loyal, 110% sure of who she is with no doubt that God has had everything to do with it. I believe I am starting to see his plan for me and its been unfolding for months now and I have just been able to see it ever so clearly. You guys who have been reading and following along know that I was attending a women’s bible study earlier this year and it was exactly the community of Godly women that I needed and where God placed me to be. I was attending a young adults group where I met some amazing younger adults and found a community there as well. I got baptized in the beginning of this year for the first time. I have dedicated my mornings to spending those first moments with the Lord, just him and i. In prayer, in the word, in a quiet present moment. I have learned that My faith is what has seen me through time and time again. No matter what happens in this life, I will always know …
GODS GOT THIS.
I have learned that the more I get outside and explore, adventure, get lost in nature.. that it is a huge part of my healing and a way for me to see Gods beautiful earth, this magnificent world he created. Just to appreciate it because it is so under explored and under appreciated. We can get so wrapped up in the day to day life with our busy schedules and for me it is always go, go, go.. but I have learned that if I want to experience that peace I long for, that I have found and held near and dear to my heart, it is that I need to make sure that I am taking a moment to pause and remember that I have to allow the space for my own personal peace and what that looks like to me because of it being a huge part in my healing. When all I thought was that my life was going to be filled with just the pain and desperation, I found solace and beauty, I found the color when getting outside and see the world and it quickly became this beautiful thing to me. That seeing what I have to seeing the world for the big, beautiful and truly amazing place that it is, I was able to live outside of my grief for a bit. Not forget, just remember that my life is not all about the grief and I am allowed to smile through the pain, I am allowed to see the light in the midst of the darkness. The grief has still been there at times ( it has come and hit a lot less hard the more we move forward ) but for split moments and even still I get those constant reminders when I am in nature and exploring that life CAN STILL BE beautiful and COLORFUL. God did not intend for us to just sit back on the beauty of life. He did not create us to live alone, to be alone, to experience alone, to not be able to be the vulnerable and compassionate humans that only a few of us are. God IS love. I thrive off being vulnerable, open, kind. I thrive off connection and bond.
We are not meant to do life alone you guys, we are all better together.
While I have learned so much about myself this past year I also learned that it is so very important to SHARE YOUR STORY. BE ABOUT IT. You can not change a single thing but you can definitely change how you react to whatever God throws your way. I try really hard to remember that if something doesn’t go the way I wanted it t, it is because God has a bigger and better plan for me and I have found so much peace in that friends. God does great and big things. So I am encouraging you to think about a time or even now if you have something that YOU have planned or wrote down or whatever it may be… God has his plan and his plan moves on in and shoves yours off the table. Like ” Alright son scratch yours, I have got a better plan” Picture that. Honestly it gives me so much peace and reassurance.
God is way too good and he has never forsaken us and when things feel like they seem like they are falling apart or keep going wrong, just remember that God sometimes wrecks our plans and takes us on a detour in order to bring us closer to what he has for us.
You wanna know what the hardest part is about being a person who feels things with every single fiber in their body? That when you are on this cloud and wave of happiness and you can literally feel it in your cheek bones because you are filled with laughter and smiles and pure authenticity and a goodness. With that also means when you feel sad.. you or maybe this is just me. You feel a sense of not belonging, like everyone and everything around you makes sense but the little bubble you are in just doesn’t. It doesn’t make sense sometimes and that sadness you feel, the heavy weight as if the whole world is falling your shoulders.. it is so heavy and confusing.
But to love is to lose as well. Is that wrong to say? I don’t know but that has circled in my brain a lot lately. And I don’t mean lose someone to death when I say that, even though in my situation I have. I just mean to love, to feel, to grow, to prosper; we lose in that to sometimes and it’s okay. But damn, is it so hard. It is not easy.
To face and be sitting in with your emotions is NOT easy. There has been many times where the quietness and the stillness of life overwhelm me and am forced to sit and feel the feelings that may have been hidden away for the day or days at a time. We don’t always mean to or purposefully hide our feelings or mask them, but sometimes we do that unconsciously. For me, it’s leaving my friends after a night of laughter and smiles and realizing that I am no longer coming home to my best friend to fall asleep with, so the side of the road and some good worship music calls my name, just me the darkness and the stillness and Gods grace and love. Sometimes it’s me getting in a good workout only to realize after that I don’t have anyone to share that with anymore. There are so many things and it’s ok for me to feel the loss of those tiny factors but I can also promise myself and remind myself I will never settle for anything just to slightly have that feeling of being wanted and loved again.
I guess if I am being honest, don’t we all yearn to be loved and cherished? Don’t we all crave that special intimacy and bond? The best friend in a lover? You are lying if you say you don’t yearn for that. But, most people will settle. They accept what comes because they are afraid that’s all there is. As hard as it is for me sometimes realizing I lost my best friend and my love, the person I shared LIFE with, I will never get lonely enough that I will settle for anything less than what I NEED. I could say the word deserve but we also all deserve a love, the same kind of gentle, compassionate, willing, open, authentic love. If you aren’t working to be the things you want in someone else you will never attract what you desire.
I have done A LOT of self reflecting, I still fail at times and I don’t always get things right and sometimes I could be unconsciously blocking myself from a feeling that I NEED to feel.
I know we all feel lonely at times, like we maybe just don’t belong, we don’t feel worthy or accepted or enough. The many weeks and months that have passed since I lost chris and realizing just how much love I had for that man it almost feels surreal that I was able to love someone that much and that hard. God has his ways of opening our eyes to a different view of the world and things that he just knows we need. Sometimes it is so hard to accept that this love I want to give, God has a plan for that I know he does… . It is hard. My capacity to love and feel has amplified tremendously and with that also comes the way and the depth of those hard emotions I feel. They have depth, lots more than ever before. They have urgency. They have meaning and emotion behind emotion. Our emotions are so powerful and can either take us down or they can help guide us and teach us.
One thing that even my loved ones would say about me is that I say how I feel no matter what it might sound like to someone else, if there is two things in this world that we don’t use enough of….it is our VOICE and our EMOTIONS. Let your heart lead the way and listen to your gut ALWAYS. Use your voice, ask questions and get the answers. There has been so many times I have been afraid to speak up and I know now how important is to voice your feelings, your heart, your emotions, where you stand or don’t stand, speak up if something is bothering you, speak up if you don’t stand behind something. USE THE VOICE GOD GAVE YOU. If people aren’t hearing you your volume is too low babe. Turn it up and don’t be afraid to annoy people and disappoint people. This will happen, make sure your heart is always in a good place and you’re leading with kindness and love, compassion and grace.
Life just IS so hard you guys and sometimes I want to shut it all off. I would be lying if I said it was easy to FEEL and let it reside in me enough for me to grow from it, because truthfully I do want to mask it at times, it is freaking hard, and I feel so lost and out of place at times. Like I am constantly trying to find my footing and a place where I feel accepted most or loved more or where I seem more interesting.. blah blah blah. I am sure you can relate at times. But even though it is HARD to deal with that sometimes I am constantly reminded that I am ALWAYS loved by God. He’s got me. Always, and no matter how hard things get I know he’s listening and I know I can scream, cry and pray all at the same time and he will STILL hear me. Loud and clear. He is with me in the freefall.
You are a rarity, you are human and you carry an abundant of emotions that can either destroy you or you can let them teach you all through your life. You are never done growing, changing and learning. This is part of our life here. Remember this.
Remember that when things get uncomfortable and scary.. sometimes God wrecks your plans when he can see that your way and your plans are about to wreck YOU. Read that again and get more comfortable with getting uncomfortable.
It is Monday night and I couldn’t sleep, my mind races and I turn to write. I guess this is where my inside urge to just put my fingers to the keyboard and verbalize what it is I am feeling and experiencing.
My main focus with this blog was to share everything and anything with you guys. From the hard things to the really good things.
I would be lying if I said I was doing better.
Because the truth is, I don’t feel like I am doing all that well.
The one and ONLY important factor in my healing is GOD himself. Where and who would I be without putting my identity in HIM alone. He has got me.
The other important factors are the community I have around me, my friends who are more family to me than my actual blood family.
This last weekend did not end well for me and I noticed that something needed to be done about my grief and my trauma. I need to allow myself to face it more than I think I truly have.
I have been a little distracted, writing my book, hanging out with friends, going on hikes, everything but allowing myself to truly sit, alone, listen to some worship and just let my grief run where it may.
I am not here to say those things are bad or that I shouldn’t do them or let them be a way of healing because truthfully the thing is those are all my pieces of joy and happiness.
My happiness comes in so many forms.
My happiness is a morning cup of coffee on the back porch, my happiness is the smile on my sons face and the I love you’s from his sweet tender voice. My happiness is standing in church by myself in the crowd of people and letting every single word of worship fill me up and consume me. My happiness IS hiking and getting outside as it has been such a breath of fresh air and a simple reminder that life is still beautiful and worth living. My happiness is knowing that no matter what happens, what trials come my way and what things I have to face going forward I will ALWAYS know that I faced one of the HARDEST and most PAINFUL things anyone should ever have to face and knowing that brings me comfort and a kind of strength that I did not know I had in me. My happiness comes in the form of a beautiful sunset that I have to capture if I can. My happiness comes in the form of a game night with my best friends and laughing until we cry. My happiness comes from knowing that my sweet 1 year old pup was the biggest blessing at such a horrible time in life, that her being placed in our lives just to lose her other owner was Gods doing. He placed something else for us to love because he KNEW we would lose someone we love dearly. Only he knew that. My happiness comes from my relationship with God and knowing that he will always provide and he has great plans for me. This I am sure of.
My happiness comes in many forms and I continue to hold onto those.
My sadness comes in many forms too.
My sadness comes from remembering that almost a year ago I had a cute little townhome that we decorated together. My sadness comes from feeling like I don’t even know who I am anymore sometimes, I feel lost. My sadness comes from waking up and falling asleep knowing that the everyday life I shared with one person for 2 years just vanished and I didn’t get to say goodbye. I don’t get that closure and I never will and sometimes… sometimes that hurts. SO freaking much. I didn’t get one last I love you or one last goodbye. I wish I had. My goodbye was hugging a lifeless body while I sobbed and sobbed and that moment will haunt me forever. But at least I got that goodbye. My sadness comes from not being heard at times. It comes from feeling like I know exactly what I want for my life and then the other part of me is scared that no one would ever love someone who is still so broken and is on this giant rollercoaster filled with emotions that EB and flow daily.
This is my reminder and yours to not sell yourself short. To give yourself grace on a daily basis. You are doing the best you can and the most that you can. DO NOT do more or less. Take the moments of happiness and let them fill you up, also take the moments of sadness and the grief and the trauma and let it run it’s course. We can NEVER hype up our feel good emotions and not give the same attention to the ones that don’t feel so good. I don’t mean sit in it for so long that you are literally CHOOSING to still feel sad and lost and letting it literally either destroy relationships or make you detach from the world around you. I mean, if you need to cry cry, but if you start to feel a sliver of joy or the need to smile even while you are crying do so. This entire process is messy and it is not easy by any means. It sucks to say, but there are lots of people who will never fully understand it. I didn’t… not until it happened to me and now my capacity to love and to show compassion runs on a different wave length than others. It is unfortunate to say that we don’t realize some things in life until they happen to us and that is just the way life goes at times.
There has come a few too many times where I doubt where I am at and where I am headed. Then there are other times where I remind myself that this is my fresh start. I do not EVER have to move ON, but I always say I am moving FORWARD. There is no forgetting or moving on without the memory of Chris and there never will be. He will be an active playing memory and celebrating him for as long as we live. But, I second guess myself sometimes. Can I do this? I feel like I took a massive step back? I was forced into things after things happened and it was out of my control. I forget this A LOT. But now, I do have a choice. I have a choice to continue to keep growing, healing, changing, acknowledging, being aware of myself and my emotions, I have a choice in who I spend my valuable time with. I have a choice in making sure that ALL my boxes in my next relationship are checked, I have a choice in my presence and my peace. I have a choice in so many things and I have made lots of choices in almost a year that I may not of before. There are many things I allowed to be put on the back burner that I have now made a priority for ME. How neccesary it was for me to take back control of my life.
I know this is getting long, but I wanted to just talk to you guys. This was my whole intention with this. My raw, real, vulnerability side and just being so honest about where I am not. As cliché as it sounds and how over used it may be, I want you to REALLY read these words and let them really plug into you. I feel like it is so easy for some people to say things or not try to even fully understand what it means when we say ” Some days are harder than others” It is a part of life and we know this. We ALL know this. It doesn’t change how one persons pain is so different from someone else’s so be kind.
Yes, some days are harder than others. Some days I want to cry and scream into my pillow. Some days I want to get dressed up, take a cute selfie, sing to my favorite up beat music, have a killer workout ( that is everyday though no matter what ) and some days I want to pull over on the side of the road and re listen to the same sad song over and over again and really get in my feelings. The thing is, when ONE single thought of my life with Chris or that day crosses my mind in a different way it is almost like a seed is planted and I know a breakdown is coming. I know that from that moment that there will be many triggers and things that just remind me of him or us and our life. It is inevitable. This will happen, not just once or twice but for a really long time. THAT IS OKAY. If always chose to push it aside or to force myself to find joy and happiness in those moments I wouldn’t be as far as I have gotten in my healing. The whole reason I started this blog was because my writing has saved me time and time again. My writing and the way I express myself has allowed me to even understand MYSELF more as I continue to write, feel, express and let things flow. Which is why when I get going it is hard for me to stop.
I will end with this.
It is ALWAYS okay to let a bad day or a bad moment be just that. It will pass just the way happiness does. Remember JOY is constant but happiness comes and goes and that is okay. If we think of it that way more often we might stumble across it more often. But give yourself some grace because I sure am needing a whole lot of it lately.
It is 10:50pm and I am writing because I just finished sending a text to someone and when I was finished I felt this intense overwhelming feeling of the life I once had gone and how it feels to have that ripped away. Let me explain a little bit more.
I sent a text out to one of Chris’s best friends moms, talking about how her son is doing and how he is back in teen challenge trying to just get better again for yet another time. I am not sure how many times this is for him. But, as I sent the text explaining to her that I am ALWAYS here for him, I am ALWAYS a phone call away and that I will be here to support in the healthiest of ways as he tries to recover again. Losing his best friend… I just knew this wouldn’t end in the way it did for me. I went one way and he went the other. His way only allowed more damage and a pause button on dealing with the pain of losing his best friend. I decided to go the other way and face this loss head on and not mask or distract myself from that deep pain and sorrow. No matter what, I stated I was always going to be here.
A bout a month or even just a few weeks before Chris took his life his best friend had gotten out of jail, he was on the right road to bettering his life. He WANTED to. I could feel it and SEE IT. Beforehand, I would have told Chris to cut off contact all together and I have done that because he was not in a place to be the friend Chris needed at the time due to his lack of wanting to get sober. At the time his best friend did not understand this and so this conversation we had weeks prior to Chris taking his life was on the phone right before he got out meant the world to him. We had a heart to heart about how much we both deeply cared for Chris and his sobriety and how all I ever wanted was for him to have his best friend back in his life as he had not many male figures that were good for his current life and the one he was trying to live, sober. He then just explained how supportive he was for us as a couple and how much he respected me for keeping Chris away from him and even if at the time he didn’t see it was out of love for my guy, he still respected me and was able to tell me this later on. After this conversation ended on the phone between me and his best friend, Chris was crying. Happy tears. He was SO happy that two of his favorite and most important people had finally had that conversation he had been waiting for. He wanted me to be more willing and open and compassionate so I was. He wanted me to believe the best instead of the worst when it came to this life I was hesitant about and who we had in our corner. I was protective. I had every right to be and he never took that feeling away from me, respectfully.
I think I am getting off track but I guess I just wanted to give you guys like a little inside into what this post was meant for or where my feeling to write something deep tonight came from. I am in my feels tonight and just experiencing that heavy weight once again.
Sometimes I just don’t feel like ME.
I guess when I say this it’s a good thing for me to say I don’t feel like ME, the old ME. That IS a good thing because the old me was never putting herself first, she was worried about everything 24/7. Never having a thought or moment to herself. When you care as deeply as I did for someone like Chris, it was never about me wanting to control what he did but I wanted so badly for him to continue to live a sober life WITH US and his boy. I wanted so badly to be able to build a life together but there was so so so Many days, most days after his first relapse that I worried day in and day out about what he was going to do if he wasn’t with me. I worried more than you think. I loved him so much and cared so deeply for that man that I somewhat lost sight of my own life and what was important to me. I have zero resentment. I am just simply explaining that I am STILL allowed to miss the old me and mourn her and that life WHILE KNOWING that I am in a better place for mine and my sons life mentally and emotionally.
As I was reading her text and the one I sent back, like I said I got this wave of emotion that rushed over me. Like a feeling of just loss for a life I once knew that I am no longer living anymore. I remember a few times where we would go to this house for dinner and have just the best time with the best company and these people are just all around some of the best people you would ever meet. I remember our drives there and home. How we would drive home just so beyond grateful and blessed to have those two in our lives, to have that family in our corner. We loved nothing more than joining dinner parties and outings with the people in our lives and even though we didn’t see these people as often, we still felt so blessed for the time we had when we did.
Tonight, I am just thinking and remembering every single detail from when we planned these things together, to when they happened, to our drive home where we talk about our night, we crawl in bed and snuggle and get to wake up together.
I miss my old life and the person I was building it with.
I miss our bed, I miss our couch, our HOME. I miss our night and day routines TOGETHER, I miss our shower, I miss our nights of aimlessly playing video games or our mid day naps on Saturdays and Sundays. I miss our walks to the park, our trips to the grocery store. He knew I loved our time to grocery shop together and that I hated doing it unless we did it together. I miss waking up to his goodbye kisses in the morning while I am still sleeping. I miss when I would make his lunch every single day and leave a note in the lunchbox to be found by him. I could go on and on but you get the point of what I am grieving and mourning tonight. Details. The simplest details of our everyday lives and the people around us too.
It is not easy, this has been really hard and sometimes I feel like a totally different person in a form of myself that just doesn’t feel… right. Sometimes it just feels rushed. Like I was rushed into being the person I am today and while I am so grateful for my purpose and what kind of growth has happened in me in almost a year.. it just doesn’t mean that I am still not allowed to feel what I am currently feeling. I had to completely change my life and parts of it that I wasn’t at all ready to change. In a way, my life was in every way going to change with or without my willingness to persevere through it and find my way and make it work, see my purpose in all of this. That was never supposed to be a cake walk. That was never supposed to just change and then OH here ya go, here is your new life, you have it all figured out. No, some days, some nights, like tonight, parts of me want to rewind time and crawl back into that person and snuggle the person I loved so freaking much and live our lives together.
It just doesn’t feel right sometimes. But, I guess that’s part of this healing journey I am on. Sometimes it isn’t pretty, it doesn’t make sense and sometimes it doesn’t feel right, but is it supposed to feel like that all the time?
Nope, it is not.
P.s. I almost put on a movie before writing this and I knew I had to put my fingers to this keyboard and let out my feelings in the form of my writing. So here you go, this is what I was thinking and feeling and now you get to read it.
Recently i have taken on a new found love and appreciation for hiking. Not for just anything though lol my hikes have to have a destination, a prize at the end of it if you will. Waterfalls are just that. A nice, cold, refreshing, breath of fresh air PRIZE.
I have done quite a few this summer alone that I have just fallen in love with and I have I think like 20 on my maps list. With that being said, it might be a tie between the beautiful and popular tumalo falls and this one…. PROXY FALLS and all its glory. A short 1.6 mile hike in with two ways to go, lower falls or upper falls. I did lower. You can see pools of water leading up to the waterfall. All the greenery, the moss, the logs, then bam…. The waterfall that is just unreal and too pretty that a photo will never do justice for just how beautiful it really is.
The hike in was super easy, rocky for sure and only about 1 1/2 hours away from bend, oregon. Super close, easy 1.6 miles. I live for those easy ones and it was most definitely one I will do again and again and share with anyone and everyone. It’s a popular one too. As you are walking in and get to the area right before the falls you can see people sitting on logs and near the water just eating their lunch and hanging out. You most definitely bring a suit and swim in the water if you wanted too as well.
Y’all, it’s just fun and beautiful. You can’t beat it. You just CAN’T. Hike all the waterfalls, it’s so peaceful and the views are well worth it. Every. Single. Time.
I’ve got many more. I decided to lighten it up a bit with you guys and just share what I’ve been up to lately because this is it. I’m exploring the beautiful place I get to call home and I want to share it with you. It has also been a way of healing for me.
Grateful for this life I live is an understatement.
Here are some of the captures I got from this hike!
I haven’t written a blog post In a minute, I know. But in other news…. I am writing a freaking book ya’ll! This is partly why I have not posted in about 2 weeks. Take it, that is really not that long but to me it feels like I have a crowd now that follows and reads and I just haven’t given you guys anything to read. But, I won’t apologize for that only because life is simply just life and it moves at different speeds and my energy goes to different things.
Everyday I am figuring out what works best for me, where I’m supposed to truly be and what brings my heart true joy.
I got my heartbroken about a month ago, or more now give or take and it was not so much that I felt like it was broken but more of what was said, the promises made and the WORDS used that broke my heart. If I’m being honest I KNEW it was coming and part of me was almost ok with it, because it was one of those “is this too good to be true moments” Yeah it was one of those. But I am also not mad about it, not angry, not hurt anymore. I was for a moment there and for different reasons but I truly felt like it was supposed to be exactly what it was, temporary and for what? I have my ideas and maybe one day I will have that moment where I say.. “ok I hear you lord, I see what you’ve done” So it’s a good thing. Don’t feel sorry for me or message me and ask questions. It was good while it lasted and it was exciting but it felt more like a really good friendship than someone I could see myself marrying one day. I had my own thoughts lingering in the back of my head about this BUT I got to experience a wonderful human from it and I am grateful for that. He just wasn’t MY person, my human. I know that.
If I look at the chances I have had in front of me to maybe be in relationships or not, I have chosen love. I have chosen to open myself up more than others. No, I am not lonely, I don’t NEED someone to feel happy. I have been thriving all on my own, I have finally figured out who I am, where I want to be and HOW I want to be loved if that time comes. I also have not shut myself off from it. Look at it this way, everyone is different, I am different. But, in no way does that make me a bad person or makes me less sure of myself and who I am when I am alone and most definitely does not make me desperate. No one has said this, but I know people well enough to know that this conversation and how I choose to go about my own life is a topic of conversation and the only reason I feel the need to address it is because I am.. ok. It is ok for people to have their opinions, because they are just that. Opinions. You are the only one living your life, you are the only one who gets to look through your manual of life and choose your chapters, how you want them to start and end. This is why over the course of this year alone, I stopped caring so much. It drained me, it left me to feel like I had to make choices and decisions based off other peoples input and opinions. It is one thing for someone to suggest something when you are in conversation but it is another to allow someone to give their inputs as if you HAVE to take it. No babe, you do not. Live life on your terms. There is and will always be a healthy balance with that. I know one things for sure, my best friend KNOWS how things will pan out before I do, and she has been right about almost everything every. single. time. I am so grateful for that. I should probably learn to listen to her more often than my own self… She’d laugh at this last sentence. If I would listen to anyone or take anything from someone who might have a good input it is her. She knows and has known, more than myself.
I have done a damn good job with curating my own life, being the master of writing my own story and following what God has to clearly laid out in front of me. Does it mean it’s been easy? Absolutely not. It has and will always be difficult, much like a rollercoaster. It has up its ups and downs, it’s bends and corners, it’s start and end, it has it’s highs and lows, it has some hard freaking winds that blow through like the wind blows in your face on a ride, it has the moment where you feel like you are dizzy after the ride and thinking ” What in the heck happened? How did I get through that?” Much like a rollercoaster. I say that and use that because I was just in 6 flags in may and it truly feels that way. As I was riding a ride I thought about the analogy of life and the ride and how similar it is. Think about it that way, you might be more at ease with the chaos of life and more willing to understand things and yourself if you just let it be there. Honestly, just more okay with life not always being what you want or picture it to be and more ok with YOUR own plans not panning out. I am more okay now with life just being life and me not having so much stress and anxiety over things not working out the way I wanted them to. Something better is always around the corner, maybe not always better but always what YOU need. God knows. Even when you do not, he does. Have some calmness in that, some patience.
Life is funny. You fall down and you pick back up. You get your heart broken sometimes, and then it passes and you feel as if you never even felt the heartache or wonder why you let it affect you so much. It is so weird how we get through things in life… So weird. But, we do and it is good to take a step back, look and remember that WE IN FACT DO get past everything in life and some might ignore what is has done and some, like myself, will acknowledge it all and use it. This has created me to be the version of me I am meant to be.
For the first time in my whole entire life, I feel like I can stand up for myself when needed, I can say NO. I am always a yeser kind of person, don’t @ me for using that term and knowing it is not a word. It is a word now, ok? ok. Cool.
I am now more willing and able and OKAY with saying the word NO.
No this does not work for me, no I don’t want to or I can’t do that, No I will not be available.
Where as in the past I would have always said yes because I hate confrontation or being a burden to people, I hate that I was so much of a people pleaser that the things I needed to do for myself always got pushed on the back burner and I caught myself saying, ” I don’t have time..” I did have time I was just using it all wrong.
There really was not point to this post, it was just to hop back on here and remind you all that I am not obligated, YOU are not obligated to do anything other than take care of yourself. That is what you are supposed to do and that is what I have been doing. I have been living my best life, truly happy and thriving. Smiling and doing all the things that make me, ME and bring me true joy and all the while I am seeing my favorite people more. I have come up with a damn good balance for my life that allows me to get all I need to do be done, see my friends and family, go on hikes, be a good and present mom, eat good and healthy, still workout 6 times a week and STILL be able to say ya know what…. I am writing the damn book. I am doing the damn thing you guys.
So please, don’t wear yourself thin. Don’t make excuses and don’t allow yourself to believe the words “I don’t have time.” Most of the time you do, you just don’t balance it out well enough and nothing has to be taken away unless it is no longer serving you and this is what I did. What did not serve me did not stay in my life, what was draining my battery was GONE. I made that choice and I’m damn proud that I did, I am a much happier bre for doing so.
Love you all, thanks for reading this no direction blog post and always showing me love and support.
I am writing you a letter. I don’t know what else to do tonight. Today and tonight you have weighed heavily on my heart and my mind. You know what I miss the most? Being known by you. My best friend. We connected immediately and I ache for that.. with you. I find myself scooting on by in life and I know I am making lots of progress but nights like tonight I feel like I am almost reminded that I have be to extra picky with who I choose to allow in my corner in my life. This gut feeling I have in my stomach that I need to be extra careful and be aware. To go with my gut, to allow love to enter but be picky. I know you are here honey. I know you are watching and listening. I need you, I want YOU. Sometimes I say the same words over and over again… I don’t know how to do this. I am sorry for every fight we ever had. I am sorry we never got the chance to say the words “I do”. No one will ever understand the depth of my love for you. The life we WERE building together. I know you were not what your addicton made you to be. I know that was not the Chris we all knew, it was only a part of your story and it never defined you as a whole person.
Remember the few weeks you were away at work? Remember the anticipation to come home to me? I remember that few weeks so clearly. We were always head over heels for each other. We missed one another even when it was just a normal work day. We were somewhat obsessed with each other and everyone could see it. I miss that, I miss US.
I tried so hard to save you. I remember sitting in my car with you for the first time and just listening to you talk about your past and you thought the whole time that I would say never mind and never see you again. That did not happen and fast forward to 3 months later we got our place together and I was so thrilled. All we ever wanted was to wake up next to each other and fall asleep together. That quickly became a favorite routine and in the morning when you left for work you would kiss me goodbye while I was most of the time still asleep, you never skipped a beat with that. I miss that.
I think on nights like tonight i am just missing my best friend. The person I share everyday life with and no matter how hard, no matter how many tears were shed, no matter what happened between us I was still committed to you. You could ask anyone and they would say, “those two love each other with everything they have.” No it was not easy, it is never easy being with someone who has mental health issues and is an ex addict but baby, I always knew the real you. I knew and still know who you really are. You were the man that wanted a normal life with me and us, our boys. You wanted the whole thing, a home, a baby of our OWN, a career… but you always felt 10 steps backwards. I wish I could’ve helped you realize how special you were, how I saw more in you than you did in yourself. I wish you saw that light and that true genuine care and love that you carried with you, even in your worst moments.
I just don’t know how I am supposed to do this, sometimes I think I am there, sometimes I think “ok I can do this, I can find love again, I can be open to this..” and SOMETHING has continued to either stop me, get in the way or just not pan out. No I am not searching, but in a way, actually I believe 110% God is telling me…. this is not your time and I am working on it but keep doing what you are doing and I promise I will come through.
I am trying to sit in these moments of despair. You know want to know how I truly feel tonight? I feel lost and alone, and not alone as in I have no one, I mean alone in the deepest, darkest parts of my soul. That if I’m being honest Chris, I just want to be with you again. I want to see you again and wrap my arms around you. Rylan misses you, your own son needs his daddy and I just wish we could turn back time and take that entire week back. I never thought I would lose you, I always expressed to you that I don’t know what I would do if I lost you… and here I am trying to figure out how to do this without you. This is not easy, but you know what I do know honey?
Here is what I do know.
I am a child of God, I know I am saved and so loved by our God and it brings much so much joy to know you are riding high in heaven with him, watching, listening, guiding me too. I know you have us and I KNOW you are sending me someone special, I know you know my heart. You know the person I have always been and the way I ache to be loved and cherished and adored, you know I want more babies and to build a life with my person. I wish that was you but here is what else I know… I know because you want that for me too, I know that one day the person that does come into my life..that will be a surprise, I won’t have to hide the loss of you, you will be excepted with open arms, there will be no jealousy, no competition in love, no questioning, it will just be. As is. I know this person, this individual will make a huge point to make you and your memory a part of OUR lives. I will come naturally, gently, compassionately, lovingly, authentically, genuinely.
I crave that genuine authenticity from someone. I crave the real deep, raw love that goes down in the depths of someones soul, where you look at that person and you say… yep THIS is the person I can’t live without and that bond… could never be broken even with the sharpest knife out there. Our bond never broke, not even on our worst day or in the worst fight we ever had. It was still there and everyone saw that.
Tonight’s been hard, I love you and I ache for you tonight babe. This is not fair, I need your love and your ability to know me as I knew you. I feel like my other half got ripped away from me and one day you were here and I was sitting next to you telling you how much I loved you and that I was here and would always be here for you and then… you were just gone. How is this real life? How are you just gone like this? At times, it doesn’t feel real and I know when those specific feelings of it being fuzzy in my head, where I don’t really know how to explain how much I miss you or how this doesn’t feel real, that is YOU telling me you are here. You aren’t here for me to see, hug and love on but you are here and you know the aching in my chest, the agony that consumes me sometimes where I just cry out. You know my heart, you know what I deserve and I know you will forever be here to support me in all my endeavors.
Baby I hope you are so damn proud of me, I hope you have heard every single word and felt every feeling that I have felt, that you have closed your eyes with me as I prayed. I hope you continue to be here for me and for us. I need you, I need you in so many ways.
I love you endlessly and I will cherish what time we did have together for as long as I live, until the day I get to see you again.
The other day I wrote out a list of what truly matters to me.
Here they are.
Being a good, present mother
The gift of LIFE
When I say what truly MATTERS, I mean like what if you were sitting in your special chair at the peak END of your life? Close your eyes, as you are reading this, take just a moment to really step into that space and ask yourself.. What matters to you? What WILL matter to you at the end?Let’s make it clear that I think when some people read this they might say to themselves.. ” why is she writing aboutt the future, why is she not just living presently?” This is my point though.. we often forget to live in the present and really remember what is important so much so that we do NOT think about how fast time moves. How quickly things can change. I don’t want this to be taken the wrong way. I just want to shed light on this just a tad.
I did not put money on my list because I know it is not the most important aspect of my life. While I know we need it to an extent, there is also so much hurt and damage and toxicity wrapped around the idea that money can solve anything in life. Jesus trumps money, he over powers everything. Remember this. In the past year I have really, truly reminded myself that no matter what comes my way, difficult or otherwise, that I am taken care of, I will always hand my life over to him. I know it is easier said than done, especially in the middle of what feels like an.. “Oh no, what am I going to do? How am I going to fix this?” In those moments I have really taken a huge deep breath and said these words. “Breanna, it is okay. It will always be OKAY.” I say a prayer and I move forward. Guess what? Somehow I ALWAYS find the way. Not MY WAY, but whatever way comes, I follow and I am indeed OKAY!
Your mind, your brain, what you have the ability to utilize in everyday life, the power and knowledge in what you walk around with is beyond me, it is insane and most people do not use it enough. Most people would rather shut it off or distract themselves and let me explain something honey.. If you ALWAYS turned it off, shut off, distracted yourself ( even with things that may seem positive or healthy ) they are still negative distractions. They take you away from the one place that you actually need to be present in, for whatever THAT is. For me, it was being present in my grief and trauma, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t put myself in the place of losing Chris, finding him and the many minutes after that. The fact that my best friend lived that awful few moments with me, that she had to be the one to make the phone call to the police, she had to be the one to get him down… She had to be the one because I could not. That eats at me sometimes. Sometimes it is almost as if I am out of my body reliving that entire day through every step I took. At first I felt like I was forcing myself too, then I realized that was not the case. I remember what I remember and each time I do, I don’t always feel the same emotions. Each time I remember something from that day or the WHOLE day, different feelings take place. This will happen, for a long time. But, this is where I am supposed to be. It also does not take away the growth I have had through all of that. It only creates more to grow from and move forward with it apart of my story.
I talk about this often and it is because I feel like you could benefit from really taking a pen to paper, your fingertips to a keyboard and writing out YOUR story. We all have one, we all have SOMETHING. That is what makes this world so unique, in a world where most people of all ages want to be the next best person they see on social media, constantly comparing and I feel like now it’s not just an outer body comparison, its a lifestyle comparison. Guess what? Those beautiful people you see one social media, they are human too. They feel too. That beautiful girl who seems to have it together all the time? She lost someone too. That guy who seems to always be having a good time, or out with all his “buddies”? He is hiding from something he is not ready to face and distracts himself with meaningless friendships where he can be anyone he wants to be. I feel like the vulnerability that I share here or on all my socials honestly gives you a better, more real and raw view of who I am. I can share these pretty filtered photos, photos of my life with my friends and my child. I may LOOK like it’s always a good time, but what I want to remind you of is there is always a part of my day where I sit back and I am reminded with what happened that forever changed who I was and forever changed my outlook on life. It is with me everyday, I forget that I went through a very traumatic experience and it is catching up with me and causing me different triggers everyday, but nothing that I can’t handle and get through ( not easily ) but I will get through it no matter what. I am just like you, my heart has been broken, I have lost someone ( to suicide and to be the person who found him) nonetheless, I have a horrible relationship that I wish with all my heart would one day take a beautiful turn with the father of my child and it has been so so hard to deal with. I don’t have my own private space anymore and I just quit my office job to make more money babysitting WHILE giving myself the freedom to also dive deeper into my passions and my newest one yet, figuring out how to become an addiction counselor. I am thrilled. Even in the midst of a storm, I am still seeing that light at the end of the tunnel and it leads me into a beautiful new world. A world I am creating for myself, one I am proud of.
Life is colorful and beautiful and worth being LIVED. This is a huge reason why I took a step back, reevaluated and restructured my life a little bit.
The gym used to be ALL I was about, it was all that mattered to me, it is still a huge part of me and I do it 5 times a week, sometimes 6. But it is better managed time wise and schedule wise, I don’t feel like I am saying no to friends all the time because the gym comes first. I never wanted to get rid of the things that made me happy but better yet I wanted to make them all work for me and not against me. Like I said in the beginning of this post, what matters to you? What needs more of your time and attention? What is something you have wanted to do but found yourself saying you are too busy? We are never too busy to be fulfilling our dreams and aspirations. Life is too short to forget that you weren’t just put here to live a CONTENT and COMPLACENT life. You are meant to LIVE babe.
I am thrilled and so flipping stoked that I have had the ability to not only put myself first but truly focus on LIFE. At the end of it, I know I will have memories to hold onto from this life with all the people I love most in the world. Because that is important, not the times I spent saying no to opportunity and chances to make a memory or two. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and say ” well, I made all this money, what do I have to show for it?” I want to say I finally realized at almost 30 years old that I figured out the true meaning of being PRESENT. Truly present in life, in the world, in memory making, present in Gods word and praising him daily. THAT is what I live for these days.
Yes, I believe everyone should be able to get the chance to touch their dreams, make a true dedication to their desires, dreams, aspirations. Most people stay complacent and content to a point where it becomes unhealthy and then that disappointment in THEMSELVES allows it to be bled into friendships and family. Ask yourself if that is happening to you now or with someone in your family? Does someone talk about wanting to do something but never actually takes the steps to get there. I know how important it is to be able to live a life that you love and admire. A life fulfilling that dream you have, just remember that it should never compromise your integrity, your friendships with family and friends. It should never take over so much so you lose sight of everything else around you. Don’t let your passion become a negative thing. I believe we can all take a step back, look at the picture in front of us and balance things out. I am sorry I don’t have more beautiful words and some better terminology to use here but truthfully. Just balance. Restructure. Rebuild.
I remember saying today that we are made for more than just a good day and smiles. The storms that have showered over my life have always passed and with it came a beautiful, colorful rainbow. We have to experience those storms, because if we didn’t.. who would you be? Some people have said, ” Why do I have to experience a storm at all? I just want to be mentally stable. Guess what? You don’t get to just BE mentally stable and just have a good day. If you experience happiness and joy, you also experience sadness and anger. There is never one emotion you feel over the other. That is not how it works. Stories aren’t made from all good days and everything always working out in your favor. All storms look different, A LOT different and that is OKAY! My story might seem like it has more but I promise you it does not. Mine is different because it is MINE. What is yours? What do you have to share? You are made for more, always. It doesn’t always have to look pretty, put together. Life is MESSY all on its own and you, NO ONE can change that. Life can get pretty ugly, it is meant to be at times. We just get used to managing it so much so that we forget to just be present in the messy and remember life is still so gorgeous. Even in the midst of messy and figuring things out.
You have so much to offer.
I truly want to hear what matters to you? Write out a list and email me your list, I truly want to read it and maybe an explanation as to why near some them or the most important ones.
I don’t often come on here and speak about my new life. The one I am currently living without my Chris. It becomes so painful at times remembering that he is no longer living his life here on earth with me, but I am comforted knowing he is living his heavenly life. He is home. I speak so much on my own strength and perseverance through this hard season, I don’t know if I would call it a season actually. Maybe this is more of a time In my life that will take some time to really figure out, how to really get through all the bits and pieces of what losing him and losing him to suicide nonetheless did to me, the long road that it has been but I have hardly have talked about this new life I am living. Without him, and it has not been easy.
As most of you know, some of you do not. Chris and I moved really fast in our relationship. We moved in together three whole months of being together. We were head over heels in love, we could never get enough of each other. It was apparent to everyone around us, even to us. I loved his big strong arms, his goofy quirky personality and the way he was so selfless with everyone he loved. Even if it meant giving up things for himself, he would do that without hesitation for someone he loved. He was selfless and kind, he was caring.
Our relationship was not easy, being with someone who struggled with a past of addiction, someone who relapsed twice while we were together, someone who was so damaged from his years while being in his addiction, he just was not the same person even though he tried every single day. I saw glimpses of this other Chris, the one who wanted so badly to just feel like a normal human, someone who did not feel like he walked around with this mental illness and the awful effects that his time spent in addiction did to him. Even when our relationship was not easy, we always came back around to the same feeling, the same comittment we had for one another. How much we deeply loved one another and I would still to this day fight for us and for him. I never turned my back, I never walked away, I probably took more than I should have but I loved that man with every part of my soul and he knew that.
January 22, 2020 I got a text while at work and Chris was away for work for 3 weeks but he would come back for the weekends. I got a text from him saying,
Chris: “I want to marry you, just decided”
Me: “Don’t mess with me like that.”
Chris: ” I’m not, I’m serious
Me: ” You already know how I feel about this..”
Chris: ” Lets just got to Vegas”
Chris: ” I’m serious, Let’s get married, I don’t care if we go to the courthouse. I wanna spend my life with you.”
Reading those messages again and again break my freaking heart. He knew how much I wanted to marry him, at first he didn’t think he would ever want that nor did he think he wanted another child since we both had one of our own. That changed quickly in our relationship and suddenly we kept talking about how we wanted another one of us running around, how much we wanted to see our two boys be big brothers to another little one. We had dreams for our life, we had plans, we had a deep love that even when things got extremely hard, life came rushing at us like a speed of light I KNEW, WE knew without a doubt our souls were connected. I loved him, hard.
When Chris died and I found him, it was hard and still is hard to process. Even still, I think now, in this part of the healing I am just now trying to find my way through the trauma part of it all. Expected, this I know. But, a whole new life took form for me. An entire new bre was just being prepped for her journey through unknown territory and very difficult waters. Nothing God knew I wouldn’t be able to handle though. He knew this would break me but just enough to rebuild me. Now, I see life through a different lens with a new set of eyes, eyes that catch every single special moment, eyes that SEE the world as is, eyes that notice the little things and live in a moment just for it to pass. Moments pass us by like trains on a highway, they come and go, they are there and they aren’t. Life happens, things in life not only catch us by surprise but things that are almost always expected to break us and then when they don’t break us I imagine God is sitting there clapping right along side of us saying, “See this is what I made you for. I made you for so much more and you did not let the enemy win this battle.” Some battles have been lost, Chris’s battle with depression and his struggle with feelings where he felt he lacked worth, that might of seemed to of win but it didn’t. He is home with the Lord, he is truly home and at peace. At first, I just kept saying how I would never be able to think about another man let alone look at another man in interest. God has his own ways of guiding us through grief and opening doors that you never thought would open and sometimes they open to teach us something and then they just close. Never onto the next, but a what can I learn from this? Where can this help me grow type of door opening? Am I right? Can any of you relate or tell me a time where you felt like a door opening was a lesson to be aware of?
My new life was just that, new. It was scary, it was lonely sometimes, and not in a way where I wanted to fill the void or fill the emptiness because truthfully I would have rather been alone than without Chris by my side. The person I spent the last two years sleeping next to every single night, the person I was building a new foundation with, a new life together, our routines, our home, our hobbies, our kids, our love, our inside jokes, our dreams and aspirations, our ability to still act so in love and head over heels for one another. I feel like now, I am still navigating a new life. I am not scared for this new life, do I miss me old one? A lot of the time I do, there are things I miss daily about my old life and it honestly felt as if I was just awaiting the days to be over, I was just barley making it day by day, I just wanted to be close to him. I just wanted him back so badly and I was so eager to hear from him in my dreams somehow.
My new life is filled with more wonder, more love, more compassion, more adventure, more appreciation for just life, more desires and dreams, more courage and grace, more perseverance and patience, more moments that I take and grab onto so that I can live inside each and every single one. But it is also filled with, anger, frustration, sadness, questions, confusion, days where I feel utterly depressed, days where I just wish with all my heart I could run into his arms and just hug him and I know I can’t and it kills me, days where I don’t know why I feel that heavy weight but it is there and I just have to feel it in order for it to pass. This new life is filled with a purpose and joy, it is filled with many new relationships, it is filled with all of the Lord and this new life is completely structured IN him and BY him. He did this, he made me new, he guided me, was there for me, loved me recklessly and knew I would make it out of this with a new understanding of life. The Lord KNEW I would use this to change a life or two or three. He knew what I was going to do. That is continuing to be shown to me and I am more aware and awake now to see his vision for me.
When I think of my new life and my old, I won’t lie and say I don’t miss it. I miss everything about our daily routine together, the way we loved even on those hard days. I miss Chris every single second of everyday. I miss the way he laughed, the way he cooked dinner and played music and we just became present. I miss the way we would get in bed and spend 30 minutes picking a movie just to go downstairs and eat some ice cream or some kind of sugary goodness then go back to bed and snuggle. I miss waking up to his warm arms and his middle of the night kisses consuming me. I miss waking up to his kiss before leaving for work every morning, he never missed a beat when he kissed me goodbye for the day. I miss us planning our workouts together for everyday of the week. I miss the way we started to read the 5 love languages together and even though it wasn’t something that really interested in him he did it anyway because he knew it would better our relationship on some level and all he wanted was to do that, with me, us holding hands doing this life together. I miss the way he sang in the shower and I laughed while waiting for him to be done. I miss our clinginess and the way we both craved our physical touch for one another and the words of affirmation we gave. I miss the mid day texts from each other, just to come home and still act as if we hadn’t talked all day already. I miss his love. I miss our life together. I miss… HIM.
I was reading something about perseverance. Perseverance is taken as pushing on, get through it, just get to the other side. Right? But what is not said often is how just because you press on and push through something does not mean you are automatically strong, it does not mean it isn’t hard because it is NOT. It is not easy. It is painful. That is the truth right there, and most people don’t talk about that. I was and always am walking by faith, walking by God through all of this. Even to this day and it has only been 8 months. I forget how fresh that still is for me. The valley that I am now walking through, the trauma. He is still there with me, loving me and helping shine light on my perseverance. He is not yet done with me and my story. I CHOSE to turn my page, I CHOSE to press on, I CHOSE to literally fall to my knees and BEG God to save me. I knew what had to be done. I CHOSE to persevere, to fight for my life back, I CHOSE to fight my way out of this tight little bubble of despair, pain, trauma, grief, guilt, anger, lostness, sadness, depression, I CHOSE to find my way out of that, and it was not easy. I’m embracing all things new, I am embracing the new life I have and while I am still going through the moments, I can appreciate life more now. I appreciate the meaning of true love. I appreciate the unconditional love my child has for me, how much he needs mommy. I appreciate the sun shining, I appreciate the days where I just need to cry. I appreciate that because I am human, I feel and because I feel I am able to be compassionate and understanding to those around me and then some. I appreciate that I still get to wake up and BREATHE another day of this life, I appreciate that even though I don’t see Chris now I know one day we will be together again, in heaven and I will get to be reunited with that love. I appreciate every single moment in my life, it all means something in some way shape or form. I appreciate the ability to explore and get outside in nature, I appreciate that I have a passion and a gift to be able to write the way I do and write from the deepest parts of my heart and soul. I appreciate that I even got 2 years of life with someone who changed me forever. I appreciate that I was able to love him and him i. I appreciate life. Moments pass us by, as I said, but my moments are being lived so much more definitely. My moments in this life are being lived with much more purpose and strive, passion and grace. To notice all the small things because they also make up the big things, that life is to precious and our relationships with our loved ones are so important, that we only have this one life to live and at the end of my life I would like to think that the most important aspects of THIS life will be the only things that would have ever mattered. My child, my loved ones, and most of all the relationship between me and the father. That is all.
This new life is and will be spent appreciating everything, taking in the moments around me that come and go and cherishing what is in the moment. My new life, is more colorful in lots of different areas. This new life is different and while I know it is painful sometimes to remember that I am doing this without him, the person I thought I would marry, I know he is cheering me on, he is oh so proud and he is right here with me for every milestone accomplished, for every birthday that will come and go, for all my passions being fulfilled, he is here while I support him and continue to honor him in all the ways I know how. He is here for all the things he can’t physically be here for and as much as I wish was here to hold, I know he is here no matter what. He’s watching. He is listening. He is smiling.
It is kind of like the wind, I can’t see it but I can feel it.
Chris, I can’t see you but I can feel you. And, I know you are here.
All of Gods breadcrumbs, his tiny little stepping stones, placement of ANYTHING that he sets before me. This I have seen, this I have noticed, this now more than ever I have payed attention to. Maybe it took something tragic happening to open my eyes, unfortunately sometimes I feel like that is the case. I have always been empathetic and aware, but now more than ever I’m on high alert, I am way more aware, I am even more emotional than ever before, I am even more vulnerable than ever before and most of all I am more of an open book than I ever thought I was. I always say ” I see through a different lens of life.” I love differently, I give my energy and time differently now.
I guess my point to this topic was to talk about those breadcrumbs I have noticed God place before me. My counselor that I talked with after everything took place told me I was different, she told me I was an old soul, that it was remarkable to her the mindset I walked around with, the ability to see something peaceful and worthy at the end of the tunnel, that in the midst of all the ugly I chose to see beauty. Does this mean It weighed or hurt any less? Nope. Not one bit, but I fought everyday, and I still fight. I think now, in this particular time of my healing, the grief and the trauma.. I am now dealing with what I saw, having to find him. The last few months have been a whirlwind of uncertain events, moments where I crave and ache Chris so much, how I just wish I had one more chance to save him and I seem to forget what happened. I don’t know if that’s the right sentence to better explain this but that’s what i’m going with. I am NOW, dealing with the trauma of finding the person I loved so much, the details of the day he left this earth and all the puzzle pieces leading up to that moment. Coming home from work, walking in OUR home, seeing two letters on our coffee table. One letter was a love letter I had written him prior that week and the other was his goodbye letter. Our brand new puppy in her kennel to my right. When I looked left I saw our garage door wide open and I had this eery feeling, I slowly turned the corner and I saw him there. I saw him for a split second and fell to my knees. We had neighbors all up by our house from my street crying with me, I don’t know how long I was screaming and wailing for and from what I was told, no one had ever heard someone make the sounds that I made that day. I look back and I can see myself in the moment, I can see myself wailing and remember rocking back and forth, hitting the ground beneath me and screaming NO at the very top of my lungs over and over and over again. My best friends mom walked me over to the other side of the townhome because my bestie lived right next door and if you have read my other blog posts, she was there for the entire thing. She was right by my side, she had to do the part of this that I could never ever do. She did so much for me that day that I just could not do. I was in a daze, I felt like someone ran me over multiple times and was continuing to rip my heart out of my chest.
What felt like forever was only like 2 hours after I found him and I finally got the ability to stand up and go to the bathroom. My body was in so much physical pain. I was so tired yet terrified to go to sleep. For weeks after I did not sleep. I would lie awake at night terrified to fall asleep. I would wake up and immediately be in this depressive state of mind and I truly felt like I did not want to keep going. It was so damn painful that I felt so broken I was not able to come back from this. I truly did not understand how or when I was going to come back from this. The next day we woke up and were taken to the funeral home where he was at for a little bit, we only had a window of time to say our goodbyes. I was really on my way to a funeral home to say goodbye to the person I loved with every inch of my soul, the person I just spent the last 2 years with, moved into my first home with, bought a puppy with. I could go on. I walked in that funeral home and as we were walking in the room where he was laying… I was being held on either side by my mother and my best friends mom. I walked every so slowly over to him to touch him and I immediately jumped back. I was terrified. He was so cold, he was so clammy, and hard as a rock. He wasn’t my Chris. I just wailed and wailed. I finally got the strength to touch him and hug him and kiss him goodbye. When I looked at him he seemed to have a smirk on his face, not like his was smiling but he was at peace. That brought my some comfort. That was the hardest goodbye I have ever had to make.
The first breadcrumb he left me.
The day he took his life I KNEW God was there, I knew he had all of us. My best friend was the one running around trying to take care of everyone, make the appropriate phone calls and so on. One phone call she made I will remember forever. She made a phone call to our landlord to inform her of the events. Little did we know that THAT phone call she stated might of saved her daughters life. We had zero idea that anything similar was going on with her and her family.. but how would we know unless we asked? Can you think of how many times you don’t ask or don’t check in with a friend or family member who may be having similar thoughts and feelings? In a way I believe from that moment on God was showing me a new path. A new way to open my heart and be more compassionate than I already am in this life. That even through something so awful that some other lives are destined to be changed because of this story. It is obvious you can’t save everyone but I will do my best to be the listening ear, the compassionate and understanding heart that someone needs if that means saving a life and relieving even a little bit of that pain they feel.
The second breadcrumb
My second one was I think two weeks after his passing. It felt like such a blur to me so when I relive those days and weeks they all almost seem to mesh together in one giant ball. I was so eager to have him visit my dreams, I was angry. I was feeling the sadness but I was just angry. I was angry that he had done what he did in OUR home. That OUR home was now not the same place it was before. I couldn’t be alone in that home, I couldn’t walk around that house by myself and I definitely couldn’t walk by the garage ( which was right near our upstairs) without getting an eerie feeling. I was angry at him for what he did not just in our home but to me… how could he let me come home to him like that? How could he do something like this KNOWING I would be the only person to come inside our home that day or ever.. I had so many questions and now looking back I feel awful for being angry at him for that and here is why.
Suicide is NOT selfish act, I will forever stand firm on that.
I had all these questions and the anger bubbling up inside me I just wanted SOMETHING, literally anything to answer even just one question that I had. Whatever it was 2 weeks or 3, like I said I am not sure. But, I had a gal I hardly know message me on instagram. Out of the blue, we just follow each other and have met a few times like 6 years ago. This was out of nowhere. She was just messaging me and opening up to me about her own past traumas and such. We got to talking and she wanted to remind me that Chris did not do what he did to hurt me, he did not do it in our home to hurt me or damage our humble abode and make it not homey anymore.. he did it where he did it because that is where he felt MOST comfortable. He felt at peace in our home, how could he not? It was our space. He did it at home and let me to find him because he felt comfort knowing the love of his life would be there to find him. I don’t know why that doesn’t make me second guess my questions but it makes sense and it made sense when she was explaining this to me. As soon as she further explained or tried to explain it to me because of her own personal handles with suicide and potential suicide herself she was able to give me a little comfort at the time and just remind me that the last thing he was trying to do was hurt me. I felt a little bit of relief after that conversation. Only a little bit.. and the time, a little bit was more than I could’ve asked for. At that point I wanted so badly to have him visit me so I could tell him how much we loved him and how we wish we could’ve saved him and how I am not angry anymore, I just felt sad for him. Sad that he felt the way he did enough to make that permanent choice. None of us will ever go a day without this memory.
For a few weeks, I wrote so much. I wrote to him, I texted his phone, I called his phone, I wrote him letters, I wrote out things just to write. I used to say ” I will never be the same again” I said that a lot and looking back I still stand firm on that. Was I supposed to stay the same? Absolutely not. That forever changed my life in more ways than one. But now… now is a different ball game. No I am never going to be the same, I don’t want to be. I want to grow, heal, change lives, love more, love harder, smile more, pray more, be more ambitious, I want to write more and tell my story to so many more people out there. So when I used to say, ” I will never be the same” I am now saying it from a different place in my healing process because at the time I was saying it as if I could never live without my Chris. Life is not easy I will give you that, living life without him is not easy. What happened, that is not for the faint of heart. I know I will see him again one day, I know he’s always watching over me. He is watching over all his loved ones. I always hope I am making him proud up there and keeping his memory alive in every way. I am constantly doing my best. That is all the grace I can give myself.
The 3rd breadcrumb
I ended up connecting with a girl who was experiencing a situation with a family member who was in this certain state of mind, he was suicidal. We got to talking on social media, I ended up continuing to check in on her here and there and just talk to her, ask what I can pray for. This relationship, with a complete stranger nonetheless blossomed into a supportive friendship, where we both understand one another. On a different level than most BECAUSE of my story. Because of that, she felt comfortable coming to me to talk and share with. THAT is why I share the way I do. Where I was able to lend a different view or just be another voice for her to hear and at the time I was still SO fresh from losing Chris. Little did I know God was and still is placing these different people in my life, different situations and many different conversations all to open my eyes to the door he has waiting for me to open. I feel like I have heard him loud and clear, I am listening. I am watching and I am aware of all the beauty even during the ugly and messy days. God has continued to show up and remind me why this story is going to change lives, because it has already changed a few and in another blog post I will share more about that in some of the messages I have recieved ( I will keep names out though for privacy reasons ) I hear my purpose and I see the path set before me, I just have to open that door.
The 4th breadcrumb
I have been trying to figure out what I wanted to do next with my purpose and the place I have been speaking from, I feel this fire in my soul that just wants to HELP people in some way but at the same time I have wanted to honor Chris’s life as well. I was thinking “what could I do?” And I had this idea to try and look into becoming an addiction counselor for some time now. No one knew about this idea at all, I mean NO ONE!
I was serving at church one morning and as a really good friend of mine and I were talking she was asking me all kinds of questions about what I wanted to do and then suggested I talk to this lady at our church who is involved with the addiction side of things. I was honestly like.. ” OK God I hear you, I see you now.” I was in awe of what that conversation came out to be because I had that idea in the back of my head for weeks and then all of a sudden a friend suggests it to me WITH opportunities surrounding us for me to get involved and I just knew THAT is what I was supposed to look into doing. Even if it was just volunteering for a little while so I get a feel, I just did not care what I had to do as long as I was doing something that was fulfilling me and my purpose. I am still now in the process of trying to get involved and I will always keep you all update on how all that goes. I am so excited because being with someone who was in addiction himself and hearing many testimonies from many different guys around him including his.. I was just blown away by Gods goodness. Those testimonies were a true test of faith, they bolster your faith in the Lord and remind you of all his grace. I know for me, hearing stories as such, it brings me back to a place where I KNOW God does work miracles, he is a miracle worker you guys and THESE stories just prove that. Time and Time again. No one is too broken for God, you are NOT too far gone and testimonies remind you of that.
So I encourage you, if you need a reminder on his promise to us, his grace and love for us PLEASE go listen to someone’s testimony and really hear where they came from and where they are now. Miracles do happen, and lives can be saved. They are every single day. This is where I want to give my energy these days. We are all broken in our own ways, we walk around carrying our OWN story and your story is unique in it’s own way. I have always said that sometimes people like to read the words they can’t say, or they like to listen to the words in a song that describes something they might be going through. I promise whatever you have to say, it does not go unnoticed. Someone is watching, someone is reading, someone is listening and most of SOMEONE is being changed and enlightened because of YOU.
I have so many more breadcrumbs to share but I am going to leave this post at just this. I always have more to say but I am afraid if I make these too long no one will take the time to read it. So, stay tuned for more and have an amazing new week ahead.